Book of the Month: TAKE ME HOME: Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
Olivia was silent on the ride back to post. She felt rude but she couldn’t explain to Ben why wearing a combat patch was important to her. Why buying the Stetson felt pretentious and fake-because she didn’t feel like she belonged and the Stetson only accentuated that feeling.
It wasn’t about fitting in. It was about legitimacy, about being good enough to deserve to wear the combat patch. It was about being part of a team that would stand with you when things went to shit. She was tired of pretending to fit in, only to find herself alone when things went a little nuts.
The combat patch was important to her, more so than the Stetson that seemed so important to everyone. There were cases-too many cases-of officers flying to Kuwait and staying for thirty days, just so they could wear a combat patch. Their duplicity tainted the entire system and cut away at their credibility. Such cases might be just an urban legend but it planted a seed of fear. Fear that she would not be taken seriously.
And Olivia needed her credibility. It was the most important thing she had. But trying to explain that to a man who wore his confidence with casual arrogance? Ben Teague had probably never had a hard day fitting in in his life.
No matter how hard Olivia worked, she would never feel like it was enough. She would never trust that she would have someone standing next to her.
And so she said nothing. Because it was better than opening her mouth and sounding like an insecure idiot. Ben pulled into the parking lot and parked his truck. Silence was heavy and thick and awkward between them.
“You’re being quiet,” he said.
“Just thinking about work,” she said, trying to brush off his concern. She wasn’t ready to do deep and introspective with him.
Some things were better left alone.
“You keep running away every time I ask a personal question.” His voice sounded off. She glanced back at him. “If you keep it up, I might think you don’t like me or something. Male egos are notoriously easy to bruise.”
She blinked at his remark: offhanded but serious beneath the light comment. “You keep asking questions about something that isn’t there.”
“What, you’re a Cylon? No human feelings? ‘Cause that would be pretty awesome.”
Her lip twitched. “I love Battlestar Galactica.”
Ben lifted his sunglasses and peered at her. “Really? You lawyer types don’t like CSI and stuff?”
She shook her head. “They get so much wrong, I can’t watch.” She sniffed. “I don’t get to watch much TV at any rate.” She glanced down at her watch. “I’ll send you a note later on the rest of the packets I need back. Zittoro’s should have been processed already?”
If she hadn’t been watching him, she might have missed the slight tightening of his grip on the steering wheel.
“Zittoro’s on emergency leave,” he said, avoiding her gaze. “I’ll have it completed when he gets back.”
Olivia stilled, watching him. “When did he go on leave?” She didn’t bother to hide the suspicion in her voice.
“Today. Emergency at home.”
More lies. Olivia’s chest tightened. It was the same old song and dance. Commanders hiding their soldiers’ misconduct. Keeping bad soldiers in the Army.
Hiding the crimes that the “good soldiers” never committed.
The anger rose from a bottomless pit inside her. Her breath was tight in her chest. “I’ll make a note of that for the battalion commander,” she said, trying to keep her voice normal. It sounded harsh and ragged to her ears.
“Don’t do that.”
She fought to keep the rage out of her voice. Fought for calm. “Why not?”
“Because I haven’t briefed him on it yet. And that’s something a commander should tell a commander.”
Olivia felt the leash on her temper snap. “You’re lying to me,” she said through clenched teeth. “Stop. Lying to me.”
“This isn’t about you,” he said. “This is about me taking care of one of my soldiers.” Olivia’s hands shook. The cold plastic of the door handle burned her skin. She shoved open the door and slammed it shut, rounding the truck. She yanked open his door and jammed a finger in his direction. “You’re sitting on a packet. That soldier needs to be out of the Army uniform and you’re sitting on it. You have no right-“
“I have every right!” Ben stepped out of the truck, forcing her to back up or fall. “You met Zittoro. You saw the kind of kid he is. How can you push all of that aside and say he needs to be out of the Army when he has nothing to fall back on?”
“Because I’ve seen how this movie ends, Ben,” she whispered. “And it’s not going to have a happily ever after. Addiction doesn’t just go away with a little magical thinking.”
“You don’t know that. He could get clean.”
“He could.” Her voice caught on the ragged edge that threatened to choke her. “But you don’t have the right to keep him on active duty to take that risk.” She swallowed the bitter sadness of her words. “I wish it were otherwise but it’s not.”
“Don’t tell me what I have the right to do or not do.” Ben radiated quiet, unspent fury. His eyes flashed, his mouth was a hard line, his words filled with quiet anger. “I’m a company commander or so everyone keeps telling me. If I want to sit on this kid’s packet so that he can get some goddamned college money, I’m allowed to do that.”
“The packet is complete,” she said. “And you’re sitting on it. The battalion commander charged me with cleaning up this battalion. That means this soldier has to go home.” She tried to take a deep breath. Tried to fight the disappointment that burned behind her eyes and threatened to embarrass her.
“And he will go home,” Ben said quietly, his voice low and filled with frustration and something else. Sadness lined with regret. It was killing him to put this soldier out of the Army. This was a side of Ben Teague she’d never seen. Her heart broke for him even as she stood there and argued with him. “When he’s back off leave.”
“Why are you protecting this soldier?” she whispered. The man who’d tried to make her laugh was long gone. In his place was this commander, this man who looked like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.
An aching pity rose inside her. Raw and powerful. But she shut it down. She did not want to feel pity for this man. She’d been an Army lawyer for years now. She’d seen the terrible things that soldiers did to one another. She’d seen the worst of the Army and what that did to commanders who cared about their soldiers.
Some took it as a personal failing that their soldiers had gotten into trouble. Others made it a crusade to throw as many soldiers out as they could.
But all of them were worn down beneath the weight of the guidon.
It hadn’t even been a week but she could see the change in him since they’d met.
“It’s the right thing to do,” she whispered.
He shook his head. “How? How is throwing him out of the Army the right thing to do?”
“Because he’s an addict. And we don’t have the resources to treat him if he doesn’t want to get clean. And even if he does want to, that’s no guarantee. Addiction is a powerful thing.”
She took a deep breath, remembering the lost kid she’d run with the other day. Ben couldn’t save him. Didn’t he see that? “You have to prepare this team to deploy into combat. You can’t do that if you’re chasing around after all the kids you refuse to send home.”
He looked at her then, his eyes hard and flat. “Have you ever done this? Have you ever had to look in someone’s eyes and tell them they were going home when you know they’ve been through some horrific shit downrange?”
“That’s not an excuse for doing drugs.”
“I know that. Damn it, I know that.” He sighed roughly. “That doesn’t mean I can’t understand it. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t fucking burn to put him out knowing he’s got problems that are bigger than what he’s capable of dealing with alone.”
“How does that make this the Army’s problem?” she demanded, irritated at his recalcitrance to do his job. She could see him breathing hard. His breath forcing its way in and out of his lungs as he just stood there.
His gaze flicked to her right shoulder, bereft of the patch she craved.
“You wouldn’t understand,” he said quietly. He looked away, the veins in his neck standing out in stark relief against his skin. “He needs this. It’s one tiny bit of hope and if I can’t do this one tiny good thing for one of my guys, then nothing I do matters.”
***
Ben didn’t usually pick fights he couldn’t win. He didn’t usually fight at all. But that argument with Olivia played over and over in his head. She was going to ruin the one chance he had to do something good for one of his boys.
Zittoro’s packet was not a little thing.
Ben had no idea if Zittoro would ever use the college money. There was no crystal ball that said the kid would clean himself up and use it to make his life better. But he’d served, damn it. He’d served his country at war when so many others had abdicated that responsibility.
He’d volunteered to go out on the roads when they were the most deadly place in Iraq. He’d volunteered to man the guns in the turret.
If Zittoro was a hero, he was the epitome of a tragic hero. The war was going to kill him yet.
But if Ben could do one thing-even one small thing, like keep him in the Army long enough to earn his college benefits-then damn it, Ben would do that.
And if that meant that Ben had to sit on his packet for a half a year, he didn’t rightly care. Because there was a chance, even if it was a small chance, that Zittoro might clean himself up. He might stop using and find a good training program. Or maybe he’d use his college money to send one of the kids that he didn’t have yet to college.
Ben had no idea.
All he knew was that he couldn’t throw a combat veteran who’d done something as harmless as abusing drugs out on his ass. It was a victimless crime. The only person Zittoro hurt was himself.
He’d asked Ben to stay long enough for the college money.
And Olivia Hale was about to fuck that up because she was on her high horse about throwing “bad” soldiers out of the Army.
Ben stalked into his company ops and into his office without saying a word to anyone. He threw his hat onto his desk and seriously considered the need for a flask in his desk drawer.
He’d be damned if the lawyer was going to tell him how to run his company.
“You look annoyed.” First Sergeant Sorren stood in the doorway, filling it.
“What gave it away?”
“The sulking? Maybe the thrown hat?” Sorren shrugged. “Not sure. Either way, what put the sand in your panties?”
Ben didn’t smile. “Lawyer caught me about Zittoro’s packet.”
Sorren took a sip of his coffee, saying nothing.
“We argued. She’s going to dime me out to the battalion commander. Tell him I’m sitting on packets.”
Sorren lowered his mug. “Technically, you are sitting on a packet.”
“Yeah, but it’s for a good reason. It’s not like I’m defending a hardened criminal.” Ben leaned back in his chair, kicking his feet up onto the desk and folding his hands behind his head. Sorren glanced at Ben’s feet. “Some people think doing drugs is a crime.”
Ben looked up at his first sergeant and deliberately crossed one foot over the other. It was his desk, damn it; if he wanted to put his feet on it, he’d do it. He was feeling peevish. He needed a good fight to release all the pent up anger and frustration tearing up his insides.
He needed to clear his head.
He waited for Sorren to say something but his first sergeant didn’t rise to the bait. Ben was a little disappointed. “What do you think?”
Sorren was silent for a long time. “I think drugs are pretty horrible. I’ve seen what they can do to people. To families. So I’m not exactly unbiased when it comes to these things.”
“You think I made the wrong choice with Zittoro’s packet,” Ben said flatly.
“I think you made the hard choice, sir.” Sorren lifted his mug in mock salute. “Too many commanders I’ve served with wouldn’t go out on a limb to do something like this.”
Ben stared at his boots. “Doesn’t feel like it’s going to make a difference,” he said.
“Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. But you took a chance to do a good thing. And I can advise you all day long but at the end of the day, this is your company. You’re going to run it how you see fit.” Sorren took a sip of his coffee. “That’s what the Army pays you the big bucks to do.”
“And people wonder why I didn’t want this job,” Ben muttered. He unlocked his fingers from behind his head and drummed them on one thigh. He was bone tired and he hadn’t even made it through his first week in the job yet. Funny, he’d thought command would make him tired enough to actually sleep. Too bad it had only made his insomnia worse.
“The XO is here to brief you on the inventory schedule,” Sorren said.
Entire days spent counting wrenches and radios and parts and pieces of tanks and Bradleys. He couldn’t wait. “Lovely.”
It was going to be a long day.
***
Olivia was irritated. Five hours had passed and her blood pressure had ticked higher with each passing minute at Ben’s failure to accept his responsibility and do his job.
Her emotions migrated from irritated to highly pissed to irrational inside of that passing time.
It was usually much harder to piss her off. Damn it, she was even swearing. Which meant she was really pissed.
She closed her eyes, seeing again the fear in Ben’s eyes when he’d realized she’d caught him about Zittoro’s packet.
Memories rose to the surface, like snakes rising from an abyss.
The stench of piss and shit and rotten food scorched the inside of her nose. It was as if she was standing in that room again, surrounded by death.
There was never a good age to find your father dead from an overdose.
It didn’t matter that he’d beaten her three days before. It didn’t matter that her body would bear his scars forever.
Her heart had broken that day.
She hated the drugs. Hated the addiction that had taken him from her, that had destroyed the man she’d worshiped once upon a time. Hated the men who’d looked at her with disdain and told her she was making things up. She lowered her head to her desk.
Goddamn Ben Teague for bringing back those twisting, writhing memories. “To hell with this,” she mumbled. She shuffled the files into her briefcase and headed out. Across post to her friend Emily’s office, where there was a sympathetic ear and a stash of emergency chocolate.
Emily looked up when Olivia knocked on the door. Her friend’s expression softened immediately.
“You look like you’re having a rough day,” Emily said by way of greeting.
“I could say the same to you. What happened to your hair?”
Emily’s hair was never messy. Emily’s cheeks flushed. “Reza stopped by,” she said, her words soft.
Olivia laughed and some of the anger and the hurt and the sadness that had been squeezing off the air in her lungs evaporated as she twisted the top on her water bottle. “Which doesn’t explain why your hair is a mess at three in the afternoo-oh, you dirty girl.”
Emily’s flush deepened. “He missed me.”
“Apparently.” The laugh felt good. Really good. Her eyes burned with tears. Too much in one day. She swiped her fingers beneath her eyes. “That’s hysterical. How did you manage to not get caught?”
Olivia removed the top of her water bottle and lifted it to her lips. Emily flicked the cap on and off her pen. “We were really quiet.”
Olivia choked on her drink and barely avoided snorting water out her nose. “I’m impressed. You’ve embraced your wild side. Did you do it in the office?”
Emily tried to lie but her eyes gave her away.
“I’m speechless,” Olivia said. “I’m so glad I came by. You’ve made my afternoon.”
“You’re welcome.” Emily cupped her chin in one palm. “Why are you having such a rough day?”
Olivia tipped her water bottle toward Emily. “That, m’dear, is a conversation to be had over wine. Or chocolate.”
Emily opened her top desk drawer and pulled out a box of Godiva truffles. “I keep these here just for you.”
“You’re a goddess. You know that, right?” Olivia took a dark ball from the container.
“Spill. What’s wrong? New job worse than you thought?”
“You have no idea. There’s so much. I could work all day every day and not get caught up because new work comes in faster than I can process the old stuff.”
“But that’s not what’s bothering you,” Emily said.
Olivia nibbled on the truffle and considered her words carefully.
“Ben Teague is the problem,” she said quietly. She was less angry than she’d been when she came in but Emily’s question brought all the emotions churning back to the surface. Olivia took a deep breath. “He’s sitting on a separation packet. He’s refusing to throw a kid out of the Army.”
“And this matters because?”
“Because the battalion commander wants the bad soldiers cleaned up.”
“I know Ben. He’s not really a dishonest guy.” Emily raised both eyebrows. “So what’s really going on?”
“I-” Olivia took a deep breath. “Remember when we first met?”
“Yeah. You were talking to some full bird colonel in the hallway.”
Olivia smiled bitterly. “That colonel was my first battalion commander many, many moons ago.” She looked down at her hands, the memories from earlier rising up and threatening to tumble free. “I’d advised him to court-martial a sergeant. The sergeant had been arrested five times for assaulting his wife.” She looked up at her friend, her voice cracking. Again. Goddamn it, she was so tired of crying over things she couldn’t change. The chocolate had lost its flavor. It melted on her fingertips. “My commander opted not to court-martial him. He opted not to do anything. He didn’t want to ruin the sergeant’s career. A week later, the sergeant and his wife were dead.”
She hadn’t realized Emily had moved until her friend’s arms came around her shoulders. She thought about resisting, about pulling away, but instead she leaned. Just for a moment.
“I’m sorry,” Emily whispered.
“Me, too.” She sucked in a deep breath and reached for a tissue for the chocolate. She no longer wanted it. She didn’t want to talk about her father or the men who hadn’t believed her then but every single time one of these files turned up missing, it was like she was that sixteen- year-old girl, being ignored all over again. “So yeah, I get a little prickly when these guys hide packets and try to protect some of these men.”
“Why do you think Ben’s hiding this?”
Olivia looked down at the smeared mess in her hands. She sucked her thumb clean. The chocolate was bitter on her tongue. “I don’t know why he’s hiding the packet,” she admitted softly.
She hadn’t thought to ask.
“I’m going to say this because you’re my friend and I love you.”
Olivia squished the chocolate in the tissue. “But this is going to chafe, isn’t it?”
Emily lifted one shoulder apologetically, her grin sheepish. “I think you’re letting your past cloud this. These soldiers aren’t your responsibility to save or punish. You’re there to make the system work, just like I am.”
“Part of me knows that.” Olivia’s lungs tightened again with Emily’s words. It was suddenly so hard to breathe. “But what if there isn’t some altruistic motive? If he sits on this one, how many others will he sit on?”
“A very wise friend of mine told me once that feelings are real, they’re just not always true. So while your fear is real, it may not be justified. Why is he sitting on the packet?”
“Does it matter?”
“Maybe? Maybe he’s got a really good reason for sitting on it.” Emily stood to put the chocolate away. “Ben is good friends with Reza. And I’m confident that Reza would not have that man as a friend if he wasn’t trustworthy.”
She hated that her temper had clouded her vision so completely. She turned Emily’s comment over in her head but couldn’t come up with a reason for Ben to sit on the packet. “Being trustworthy in a fire fight isn’t the same thing as doing the right thing back home,” Olivia said dryly.
Emily slid the box of chocolates back in her desk. “I get that. On a rational level, I get that, but we’re not talking about someone he went to church with every week.” She paused. “Combat forges some powerful bonds.”
“Reza taught you that,” Olivia said softly.
“Yeah. Among other things. He’s taught me a lot.”
Olivia smiled, desperately needing something to lighten the oppressive pressure in her chest. “Including how to have a quickie at lunch without getting caught.” Emily choked and covered her mouth with her hand as she laughed. “That was sneaky,” she said.
“My job here is done.”
Later, Olivia sat in her car a long time, letting the conversation tumble over in her head, staring at the Stetson in her passenger’s seat. Emily was right. Olivia swiped at her eyes. The tightness in her chest eased back, enough that she could breathe again.
On a gut level, she knew it. But Ben hadn’t come clean with her. He could have told her the truth.
Then again, she hadn’t given him any reason to.
But if he lied to protect this soldier, what would happen when they got to the serious misconduct cases? To Escoberra and the others? Would Ben still fail to act?
How far would he go to protect the men under his command?
ONE CLICK TAKE ME HOME NOW!
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