So y’all know I left my agency this week. While I’m not sure what the impact will be in the long run, I’ve made a decision and there’s no going back. I’ve been fortunate to have a few of manuscript requests right off the bat. One has already come back with a lovely pass but I’ll be honest, rejection sucks.
The army has taught me that whatever I put my mind to, I can achieve whatever I put my mind to. I decided I was going to be a published writer but everywhere I turn, road blocks continue to pop up. See, publishing is only partially about what I can do. Now, I’ll be the first one to tell you, when I went through the first round of agent hunting in 2008, I soundly deserved to be rejected. I might not have known it at the time, but what I was sending out what hot garbage. I had a good query letter but the work itself was…well, it never should have gone out. Ever.
Fast forward to now. I haven’t submitted a query since late 2008, before I deployed to Iraq. A few months afterward, my agent picked me up and I was off to the races. Or so I thought. I kept writing, and writing kept me sane over here. I was able to put a whole lot of emotions and time and energy into the 7 books I’ve written or rewritten this year. I learned how to critique my own manuscript, at least, I’m a hell of a lot better about it than I used to be, though I’m sure I still have more work to do.
But I’ve decided that I’m going to be published. Can I really control that? My books are military romance, but there’s only 1 author out there who writes military characters that are not romantic suspense. My stuff is not romantic suspense, so where does that leave me? And what happens if I don’t get published? What does that mean to me as a writer and as a person who has not accomplished anything I’ve tried before?
I’m pretty sure the book is as good as I can get it right now. I’ve written a book that doesn’t have the parts I skip in other books. There isn’t a secondary romance because I tend to skip those. The plot centers on the two character’s emotional journey. The great Kate Duffy told me once about another project of mine, that my characters were not handling things better than real people did. Maybe that’s part of my challenge in finding a place to fit. My book – and all my books – reflect the life that soldiers around me experience. So they’re not as uplifting or light hearted as a normal romance.
Maybe there isn’t a market for a book that spends the first half in a hospital room at Fort Hood. That is a distinct possibility and a chance that I may have to shelf this book and move on to something else. But that’s the problem. I don’t want to give up on these characters. I don’t want people to not get a chance to see a glimpse of life inside the military life and a character who chooses to stay in the army as opposed to getting out. Because that’s who I’m surrounded by. Men and women who choose to serve, despite the challenges the military life demands of them.
Maybe I’m not writing romance. I’m not sure. I know these books are not what Bob Mayer calls “fictional memoires.” They are not me put on paper. But what does it mean to me if I never see my name in print? Does it mean that I just didn’t try hard enough? Does it mean that what I’m writing the publishing world does not want?
I’m not sure. I know I’m at a crossroads in my life right now. I’m getting ready to go through a huge transition period coming home from Iraq and taking my family back. I know my writing is something I can’t not do, but maybe I’ll need to set it aside for a time and figure out why I really want to be published. What am I really hoping to gain? Does it make me a better person, a better mom or wife? Does it make the laundry get done faster?
This isn’t about the cruel literary world not taking me on. This is about me finding my place in it. Maybe I need to do more work and make my manuscript better. If that’s the case, I’ll eventually figure it out and write another book. Maybe my military series has no place. If that’s the case, I’ll whip my paranormal apocalyptic into shape and start submitting that.
But I need to find a way to let go of the crushing disappointment each time another not right for me comes back. This is not a rejection of me as a person. This is not, necessarily, a rejection of my book. It is a statement as to sale-ability and personal tastes.
I’m still me. I’m still stuck in Iraq. I’m still a mom of two healthy girls and a wife to a great, loving husband. The pass on my novel is not – and should not – be a soul crushing defeat. So I’ll figure out a way through it. And – though I hope this is not the case – if all the agents who currently have War’s Darkest Fear pass, I’ll start revising the next project.
Because the stories are still in my brain, still leaking out onto the page, demanding to be heard.