I’m not sure why I’m reacting like this today. I’m stuck. I’m stuck in Iraq, I’m stuck in my writing career. I’m a constant movement forward person. I’m always in motion and today I’m stuck.
Last night on the webcam, my 3 year old crossed her arms and dropped her little head and all I wanted to do was hold her and feel her breath on my neck. I wanted to brush my 5 year old’s hair from her face and listen to her tell me how she learned what a veteran was in school the other day. I want the aggravation of getting them to bed on time and the hugs and kisses first thing in the morning. I want it so goddamned bad and there is nothing I can do to make the time go by faster.
My soul aches with how badly I want to go home now. Sure, life is simpler here in Iraq but damn, it’s not worth it. I’ve avoided everything that hurts, everything that gets too much emotion going for the last year because if I let it out, it feels like I’ll never stop. I don’t watch violence on TV, I can’t stand to hear a baby cry. Today, everything is leaking out and I can’t put it away. I don’t know why. My kids have cried on the phone before.
The same uncertainty with going home is tearing me up. I’m putting on a brave face for all the soldiers but the possibility of staying through Christmas makes my soul bleed. We’re here for the team and if we have to stay, then we have to stay, but that doesn’t make the disappointment any easier.