Cross posting a twitter thread prompted by a reader sending me a screenshot of a piece of one of my books he enjoyed.
This is an excerpt from the book I wrote at the end of my first year in grad school. I was wrestling with feeling displaced and with watching my husband struggle with the transition out of the Army and his injuries.
I should be done with Before I Fall this weekend. This part, by the way, is really well done
there were days when he couldn’t/wouldn’t get out of bed. I remember my oldest, who was 9 at the time, helping him put his shoes on. Meanwhile, I was on campus feeling like a complete fraud and failure. Everything at home was going to hell, too.
I wouldn’t have made it through grad school without my class mates or several critical friends who replaced the voice in my head that said I couldn’t do it.
But I also wondered what was it like for my daughter having to help take care of her dad? And this book came into being. combat vet on campus. Daughter trying to make enough money to take care of her father b/c the VA wouldn’t pay for the treatment he needed (we lived that, too)
I’ve never ever had a book come together so easily. But man, it’s raw seeing some of those words again, especially today when everyone’s talking about going to war with Iraq.
Because going to war isn’t the hard part. Coming home is. I never, ever expected that. It’s a big part of where all of my books come from – dealing with the fall out from deploying and choosing to stay. What does war do to the families waiting in the rear?
what are the intergenerational effects of these wars?
My daughter asked me a couple of years ago when Daddy was going to get over his PTSD. I said never, baby. that’s not how this works. He’s always going to carry it in some way. All we can do is love him.
Especially when things get dark.
And something I realize I haven’t dealt with much is my own stuff I’m carrying around. The guilt that is finally kicking in over leaving my kids (yeah it took a decade or more). How much did my leaving exacerbate things with them?
How much will my lack of emotional connection with them for YEARS after my deployment impact them as they grow up? Will it hurt their ability to form real relationships? Or will they always distrust that people will stay?
I don’t know why this hit me all of a sudden today. maybe, despite the jokes (which thank god for black twitter on days like this especially), this is real. I’ve lived it. Thousands of military families have lived it. We haven’t even forgotten the impact of it yet.
I am old enough to have students in my class who’s parents fought and died in Iraq and Afghanistan. That’s one hell of a reality check.
Anyway, the book that prompted this introspection is here if y’all want to check it out. I can’t think of a better way for me to summarize the experience of a veteran on campus than that particular book
