It had been nine years since she’d seen him. Nine years since his words had sliced into her skin with bitter anger and hurt and loss. Nine years since their lives had fallen apart, and she’d relegated Sean Nichols to a memory she tried to forget.
But in one moment, the intervening decade fell away and she was suddenly that twenty-year-old sergeant again, her heart bleeding in her hands as she tried to put her life back together.
She swallowed the dryness in her throat, determined to keep things professional, then get the hell out of Dodge as fast as she could. This was not allowed to get messy. She’d done messy with him once before, and she’d be damned if she was going to repeat that mistake.
She couldn’t see his eyes behind the sunglasses, but for the briefest instance, his lips parted. A hint of emotion, then it was gone, his mouth pressed into a hard, flat line. His hands clenched into fists before they disappeared into his pockets.
He jerked his chin toward her nametape. “Anders?”
She nodded briefly. “I was married.”
“Apparently.” It was amazing how much bitterness could be packed into a single word.
“Well, now that the interpersonal hostilities are over, I’m the investigating officer for the incident in your company last night.”
“I figured that one out just now, thanks.”
She took a deep breath. So much for keeping things professional. She wasn’t going to get drawn into an argument with him. But the standoff continued. Neither of them moved and a thousand memories swirled between them, snapping like live things.
He’d changed. A lot. His shoulders filled out the gray ACU uniform much better than when he’d been a younger man. His jaw was stronger. His tanned skin was creased from the bright sun of Fort Hood and Iraq, if his combat patch was any indication. His dark brown hair was longer than she remembered him wearing it when they’d been young sergeants together all those years ago.
So much for hoping he’d gotten a paunch and gone bald. Guess voodoo dolls didn’t work after all.
The first sergeant standing next to Sean cleared his throat. “Anyone going to bother with introductions? Or am I supposed to guess what this awkward interpersonal hostility is all about?”
Sean sighed heavily. “Top, meet my ex, Sarah Delany.”
Sarah stuck her hand out, annoyed that he’d deliberately misstated her name. She’d been Delany once upon a time but hadn’t been in a long time. “Captain Anders. Nice to meet you, Firs’ Sarn’t.”
Morgan’s hand was strong and solid and felt like eighty-five grit sandpaper.
“Ma’am.” Morgan stepped around Sarah and unlocked the door to the orderly room, his cigar still smoking. “Well, you two kids play nice.”
She had the distinct feeling he was laughing at them, but she said nothing instead as the silence closed around them.
“Married?” he asked, his eyes going to where her left hand was wrapped around the strap of her bag. There was no ring on her left finger. Her hand felt more naked than it had in years.
“Seven years ago.”
“Kind of fast, wasn’t it?”
She felt the old anger surfacing between them, crawling over her shoulder to whisper terrible things in her ear. “You have no right to question what I did with my life after you left me.”
His smile was cold and hard. “So that’s how you remember it? I left you?”
She stepped away, out of his space, and sucked in deep breaths. His words hurt. They were supposed to. “Not much to misconstrue, honestly.”
His smile could have cracked glass. “Pretty selective memory you’ve got going there, Sarah. Let’s not forget who said no.”
“You know what?” She held up one hand. “I’ll get the MP and civilian police reports from your first sergeant. It’ll be better if we interact as little as possible, since things obviously haven’t changed that much.”
She walked away before the situation devolved more than it already had. She stalked past the battalion headquarters and went straight for her car, surprised by the force of the anger threatening to choke her.
She’d taken a long time to get over him. Longer to get past the anger and the hurt.
She needed a few minutes, just a few, to put everything back in the box where it belonged. Chained and bound at the bottom of the void where she could pretend the life before she’d met her husband didn’t exist.
Because Sean Nichols was nothing more than a bad memory. One she was determined to leave exactly where he belonged.
In the past.
***
Sean let her go.
Again.
It was a long time before he unrooted himself from the spot and walked into his company ops.
He’d handled that about as poorly as he’d always handled everything with Sarah. He never had a chance to ask her how she’d been. The change of name had rocked him off his axis—and it was a name he knew all too well.
That name carried far too many memories, far too much guilt and sadness.
It couldn’t be.
It just couldn’t be.
Kearney sat at the conference room table. He avoided Sean’s eyes, deliberately playing with his cell phone. Sean stopped at the edge of the counter.
“Did you ever meet Jack Anders’s wife?”
Kearney looked up sharply. “Talk about your random question, sir.”
Sean didn’t respond to the sarcasm from his sergeant. With a sigh, Kearney set his phone down. “Yeah, I met her once when we’d convoyed down to Baghdad with Anders’s platoon.”
“She was a soldier?”
“Yeah, another lieutenant.”
Sean felt the blood leaving his head. He needed to sit down.
“What made you bring that up?”
“Nothing.” He walked into his office and shut the door, needing a few minutes to pull his emotions back from the edge of the abyss.
He’d spent more than a few hours over the years wondering where Sarah had gone and how she was. The whole time, apparently, she’d moved on with her life. In the first years after she’d left, he’d often thought of what he’d say if he ever saw her again. Some days, the stupid part of his heart that never got over her would ask her how she’d been. She’d smile the way she used to, and they’d finally talk about how things all went to shit when she’d turned down his marriage proposal.
Other days…other days were darker. Other days, he imagined railing at her. Demanding to know why she’d said no when they’d been so damn good together.
But he’d never imagined this. Never imagined that she’d moved on with her life. That she’d married. Never in his wildest dreams would he have thought that she’d been married to Jack. Holy fuck.
He sat at his desk, turning that revelation over and over in his mind. He scrubbed his hand over his mouth as old memories mixed with new.
Morgan rapped on the edge of the doorframe. “Medics are getting an IV bag from the medical company. How long do you want to leave Kearney out here?”
Sean folded his arms over his chest and sighed. “Restrict him to the barracks, and let him sleep the rest of it off.”
Morgan nodded then stepped farther into the office. “Looks like you had a lot of catching up to do with that other captain.”
“Don’t suppose I can ask you not to pick that scab right now?” Sean leaned back in his chair.
Morgan said nothing for a long moment. “Kind of curious about what has you this fired up, honestly.”
Sean breathed deeply through his nose and deliberately changed the subject. “So have we gotten ahold of the XO yet?”
Morgan lifted one brow. “Apparently he’s on his way.”
“Any reason why it’s taken him so long?”
“Apparently, he was still drunk when he woke up. He claims he didn’t want to get a DUI.”
Sean leaned back in his chair. “Let me know when he gets here,” he said simply. Then, “Did you get the paperwork done up on Kearney?” He needed to keep his mind focused on work.
It would be far too easy to disappear on a long winding trip down memory lane.
“Yep, already done.” Morgan sighed. “Look, whatever is going on between you and that captain, you need to put it away. We don’t have time for you to be pining away like a lovesick puppy. We have privates –” He glanced over his shoulder where Kearney sat at the conference table. “And sergeants for that shit.”
Sean looked up at the big first sergeant, grinding his teeth to keep his better judgment from escaping. Morgan meant well and he wouldn’t be saying anything if he didn’t see the train wreck that Sarah had turned him into. The unit couldn’t handle any more command or leadership disasters. They’d had more than enough already.
“I’m working on it, Top,” was all he said after a moment.
Morgan studied him quietly then left him alone. Alone with the silent recrimination in his thoughts and the swirling memories that took him back to another life. To a life before the war, when he’d still believed his own bullshit that he’d be man enough to bring everyone home. That he’d be able to go to war and come home with his honor intact. That Sarah loved him enough to leave the Army behind.