Chapter 4
Laura supposed she should be used to the awkward silence filling the space between them by now. As she turned down Highway 195, heading toward Jen’s out of town property, Patrick’s words weighed heavily on her soul. She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, trying to figure out what to do with all the uncertainty twisting inside her.
She thought about turning the radio on then thought against it. The sound would be jarring. Grating. Too harsh.
The silence, at least, was as familiar as it was empty.
Trent kept shifting in the seat, fidgeting with his glasses. There had been a time when they would talk about pointless things. Laugh and share jokes or, better—find a place to pull off on the side of the road because they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.
Now the distance between them was silent and cold.
She sighed heavily. Might as well get started on the old familiar routine. God, but she wanted to break free of all this. She wanted this resolved. She was so tired of ripping the bandage off the wounds on her heart every time he reappeared in her life.
“Is there something on your mind?” he asked. His voice jolted her out of her thoughts.
She considered her next words carefully, knowing they were going to cause a fight and knowing she could do nothing to avoid it. “So Patrick came and talked to me today,” she said quietly.
The silence turned frigid, like shattered ice frozen and suspended in the air around them. Trent swore loud and long. The force of his reaction momentarily stunned her. He pushed his glasses onto the top of his head and scrubbed his hands over his face. “I’m sorry. I asked him not to.”
“I know,” she said. He glanced at her. “He told me.” She took a deep breath. “Were you even going to give me a choice or just make the decision without talking to me?”
“Laura—”
“You weren’t, were you?” She paused, breathing deeply, fighting for control of her temper. “No, you did this just like you do everything. You shut it down, you don’t talk to me about it and you don’t let me in on the really big fucking decisions that oh, I don’t know, impact more than just your life. Our life.” She gripped the steering wheel so tightly that the leather creased beneath her fingers.
She couldn’t do this. Not like this. She needed to move. To get away. To release some of the anger and hurt inside her before she lashed out and did something she could not take back.
Laura slowed the car and steered it to the side of the road, breathing deeply through her nose to keep from losing her temper completely. She needed space, needed to move, to do something with the twisting anger inside her. She knew what most of the charges against him were. Dereliction of duty. Conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman. But it was the allegations made by another woman that had nearly crushed her soul.
He leaned forward, keeping his hands over his mouth. “He thinks that everything hinges on their impression of my integrity. That means it’s really important to beat the morality charges…”
It was a long moment before he spoke again. “Laura, they’re lies.”
She swallowed. His denial echoed in her ears. She opened the door, then got out and slammed it shut with extreme violence. He followed her. “Then where did these allegations come from, Trent? Why would your soldier say these things?”
“I don’t know. Because of her husband, because she’s as guilty as he is? I don’t know.” He paused and she fought the urge to turn around. Hated that the sound of his voice drew her to him when she should be walking the other way. “Laura, I’ve done some horrible things in my life. But not this. Never this.”
She turned back and looked at her husband and for a brief moment, felt a deep twinge of sympathy. He looked lost. Formal charges of adultery were not something the Army did often, and those charges were usually only filed when the commanders had incontrovertible proof that a violation had occurred. Such charges were almost always tied to other—more serious—charges. She’d seen far too many cases like this in her job as the family readiness liaison for the battalion.
She turned away and started walking down a well-worn path near a small stream. The anger overwhelmed her, clawed at her.
She needed a minute to cool down before she could face the kids. She didn’t want them to see her like this. This needy, sad thing who still, despite everything, hoped her husband would love her enough to come home. God, she was pathetic. But the day he’d died, she’d lost everything. The foundation of her world had been ripped from beneath her feet.
She rubbed her upper arms against a sudden chill.
The snap of a twig behind her told her she was no longer alone with her thoughts. A brush of air against her neck told her he was closer than he had any right to be. But he made no move to touch her. At least, none that she could see or feel.
“I remember when you died,” she whispered. She wrapped her arms around her waist, a phantom pain rippling through her belly, the memory etched into her very bones. “Ethan was barely two. I was pregnant with Emma.”
“I couldn’t hear for a day and a half,” he murmured.
“For two whole days I thought I’d lost you. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t get out of bed. I just stared into the darkness, hoping, praying for five more minutes with you. I would have traded anything.” She gripped her upper arms tightly, bracing against the cold inside her, fighting the tears that burned behind her eyes. “And when you called, when I heard your voice…I didn’t believe it was you.” She bit her lips together, fighting to keep everything inside from breaking free. “I was so…I was so happy. You were alive. I got everything I hoped for. But it was all a lie because I never really got you back,” she whispered, her voice breaking. Finally, she turned to face him. “Why can’t you just let me go?” She released a shuddering breath, afraid to look him in the eye. Terrified at what she would see.
“Because I can’t,” he whispered. “I know I broke us. By not calling, by following that goddamned no-contact order instead of breaking the rules and calling you. I know I did this.” He lifted one hand. It trembled near her cheek and she hated herself for yearning for his touch.
She didn’t speak until she was confident she could, past the block in her throat. “Trent, you’ve been closing me off and shutting me out for years. Last year? Last year just solidified the death of our marriage. All the rumors. All the allegations? What was I supposed to believe when I didn’t hear anything from you?”
“I will regret following that no-contact order for the rest of my life.” His voice cracked. “Then why did you?”
He closed his eyes. His shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath. Finally, he met her gaze again. “Because I still believed the system would work. I still had faith.”
“Really?” She searched the deep brown eyes behind the soft reflection of his glasses.
His throat moved as he swallowed and looked away. “Yeah.”
“Then why stay? Why not get out of the Army and have a nice, nine-to-five civilian job?” She needed to know what made this man who had sacrificed everything for the Army turn against it.
“Because it’s the only thing I’ve ever known. It’s the only thing I’m good at. Hell, I’m not even very good at it anymore.” He paused, letting the silence hang between them. Finally, he spoke. “I’m being court-martialed to placate the father of the lieutenant who stole arms from our unit and sold them for cash. They want me to take the fall. There are men who have done far worse than me in the name of God and country but I’m the one who’s been chosen for public crucifixion.”
The bitterness in his words struck her forcibly, and a renewed anger washed over her. Only this time, her anger was directed at the Army.
“You’re serious? After everything you’ve sacrificed, the Army is just going to throw you
away?”
“Not the Army. My esteemed brigade commander.” His gaze did not waver from hers.
She hesitated, her mind racing over the implications of her decision.
“If I do this…” Her voice broke and she fought to keep tears from filling her eyes or her words. “If I do this, it changes nothing between us. You’ll sign the papers and leave once it’s over.”
His nostrils flared slightly, the muscles in his neck tense. “Why would you agree to this?” His voice was harsh.
Because I’ve lost you too many times. I have to walk away. I have to protect myself. But she didn’t voice the silent cry. She lifted her chin and refused to look away from the dark gaze that held too many secrets and lies. “I don’t want our children to have to visit you in jail.”
* * *
Because he couldn’t help himself, Trent reached for her. Terrified that she would pull away, his fist trembled. The barest brush of his knuckles against her cheek. She shifted, a slight movement away from his touch. A sharp bolt of hurt sliced through him.
“Why would you do this?” he asked again, dreading the answer. He had to know if he had a chance, even the most minute chance, of fixing things with her.
Conflict passed over her features. “Because I want this over and done with. I’m tired of hurting. If this ends the court-martial, then so be it.”
He heard what she did not say: This ends our marriage. Standing there in the fading sunlight, he looked at his wife. At the hurt written on her face. At the stubborn line of her mouth.
He wanted to see her mouth soften. To see her look at him like she used to. He wanted to be that man again: worthy of her.
His sins were legion. He was not a good man. The war had seen to that. But he felt a faint brush of warmth inside him and knew it for what it was: hope. And he reached into the darkness, cupping the light. It was a long time before he spoke. “Thank you, Laura,” he whispered.
“This isn’t for you,” she said softly. She offered him a flat smile that did not meet her eyes. “This is about moving on. You and I…”
“Laura—”
“Don’t.” Her eyes flashed and he realized he’d pushed too far. “Don’t ask for more than that.” She released a deep breath, looking away. “I have to get the kids.”
He swallowed and nodded, waiting a full breath before following her back up the hill to the car.
Their children had no idea about the world’s dangers. About the pain and suffering he’d seen beaten into younger kids’ faces before they could even walk.
His kids were always there in the back of his mind, but he’d needed to lock away his love for them and focus on his mission. Some of the most important years of their lives were memories captured only in photographs and videos. Memories he would never be a part of. Because war and children did not mix. That much he knew from brutal, firsthand experience.
He’d tried so hard to protect them but he’d failed so miserably. He glanced at Laura as he climbed into the passenger’s seat. In his head, he nurtured a hesitant, fragile fantasy. A fantasy where he offered a tentative smile and her eyes warmed in return. Where for one aching moment, he saw in her eyes the love that he’d betrayed.
A stronger man could fix this. A better man could capture his wife’s love and reclaim her heart. Lay down his weapons and become the husband and father she’d promised to wait for.
The fear was back, tormenting him with doubt and all the ways he’d failed.
It whispered in his ear that he’d already lost her.
He refused to listen to the dark thoughts, the whispered torment. It couldn’t be true.
Because if he lost them, he lost everything.
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