Jessica Scott

Today my oldest daughter starts kindergarten. Because she’s staying with my mom, my oldest will be going to the same school I went to as a little girl. I remember my first day of school. I wore a little green windbreaker and a sticker with my name on it. I was scared getting on the bus that first day. But I had my mom there, holding my hand and taking pictures and making it into a big adventure for me. My mom is there again, being there because I can’t.
The hardest thing about being gone is that my daughter will remember this. She’ll remember us not being there and she’ll remember my mom being there. Which is really great, because she’ll have a closeness with my mom that I never imagined possible with us being dual military. I’ll remember the day through pictures.
I’m sad about not being there. This is a pretty big milestone for my little girl. Just one more thing that as a military mom, I miss out on. We can talk about sacrifice all day long but at the end of the day, it’s personal. It’s about missed birthdays and weddings. It’s about missed first days of school. It’s about time. I’ll never get this day back. I’ll remember it through this blog post and the pictures my mom sends and the phone call tonight to hear all about it. But today is gone.
I can only make the rest of the days count. I made the choice to be in the army and have a family. Doesn’t make the consequences of that choice easier to deal with. I’ll probably find a way to write about this someday, down the road. When it’s a little less fresh and a little less raw.
I hope today is a happy one for my daughter. She’s going to school with her cousin, also something I never imagined she’d get to do because of our military lives. I’m looking forward to the pictures and hearing her tell us about it.
Most of all, I’m looking forward to being home. To taking her to school myself and meeting her teachers and helping her with her homework. Because those are the days I’ve got to look forward to.
Looking back doesn’t accomplish anything but regret. And regret will spoil those days still to come.
So as you’re walking your kids to school today or sending them off on the school bus, remember there are thousands of moms who aren’t there today to do the same. There are thousands of dads who are expected to act like today is just another day. Enjoy the little things.
They really are what’s important.

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I’m sitting in JFK, waiting for my ungodly long layover to be over with. I’ve got internet and Starbucks (after an obscenely long wait and rude service) and I should be in a writer’s paradise, right? I mean, after all, I haven’t written anything on my WIP in two weeks and I’ve really only started thinking about my writing career the last few days to take my mind off leaving my kids once again.
So I should be thrilled, right? Peace and quiet. Chilling and writing?
Yeah, not so much.
My heart hurts. My youngest was up this morning at three when I was getting dressed (there was a lobster that was going to bite her) and she asked me to ‘nuggle with her. Each time I thought she was asleep and I’d try to extricate myself from her embrace, she’d tighten her arms around my neck. It just about killed me. My oldest didn’t wake up, but it was a close thing (you can hear a bug walking on Mom’s floor).
Finally made it out of the house for my brother to take us to Bangor Airport (the troop greeters were there, which is awesome). Did fine until a little guy on our flight was screaming. Most passengers were upset because the kid was crying. It worked me over pretty good because all I could imagine was my daughters getting themselves all worked up looking for Mommy and Daddy today.
God this sucks. I keep telling myself that it’s worth it to give up a year of my life to provide for my kids and in 18 years when my daughters have both of their college educations paid for that it will be worth it.
Right now, that’s a pretty cold comfort.

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As we’re getting ready to go, the normalcy of everything is striking. To include the urge to publicly pull a Kate and spank my kid. Surely not, you must think. What kind of parent is leaving for another five months to a combat zone loses her patience within the last twenty four hours of getting ready to go?

Me.

Initially, the girls were being fine. Just laughing and having a good time. But then the touching and the grabbing and the I wants kept going and going and going. They were like two little energizer bunnies and it stopped being funny after we sat in Dick’s Sporting Goods waiting for Daddy to pick out some fishing equipment (this takes longer than me in Saks on any day of the week, trust me on this one).

When they refused to stand still any longer, I was that crazy mom carrying one kid out of Sears under my arm and pulling the other one behind him.

They say kids acting out prior to parents deploying is normal. I’ve heard from other spouses that in the days before a deployment, the sniping and the bickering get to the point where both are relieved when the plane finally lifts off. The kids have both done something similar today and while at the moment, I would have been glad to get on a plane, that feeling only lasted about a second before the guilt started.

I told my husband that I felt bad for losing my patience with the kids. He said he understood but that it was more important for him to have fun before he left than to make them behave. Maybe he’s on to something. Maybe he’s not. But either way it goes, one of my precious fifteen days was spent arguing with my kids. I can’t get this day back but tonight at bedtime, I talked to my girls and asked that we try to make tomorrow as good as possible before we left.

So we’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck.

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The worst Night Ever

So we’re back at Grammy’s now and the girls are settled right back in. Leave has actually gone very well. The girls have had a blast and I for one, have been focused on letting go of rigid parenting (like normal bedtimes) and just enjoying my time with the girls. For the most part, the kids have done a fantastic job adjusting and slipping back into family mode

Or so I thought.

Tonight, mommy tried to get an hour of mommy time to visit with her long time high school friend. I figured I’d been nothing but Mommy from the minute I walked through the door and I had gladly enjoyed every single minute. But I also figured that being back at Grammy’s, the girls would relax a little and be a little less clingy.

Boy was that a mistake. Within a few minutes of me not being in the room, both girls were crying and screaming. By the time they’d cried it out, their little eyes were all puffy and red and I’ve won the worst parent in the world award.

My oldest wrapped her arms around my neck and said Mommy, things aren’t going to be the same without you here. Then it dawned on me. While we were in Delaware, the girls were having fun and pretending that we really were a family again. Now that we’re back at Grammy’s and not heading back to Texas, reality has struck both of them like the 18 wheeler Grammy drives: Mommy and Daddy are leaving again. Time is such an adult concept that my kids don’t have any way of really counting down other than to look forward to winter and some time around Christmas for us coming home.

It really busted me up tonight taking even that small amount of time from them because every minute is so precious. In the long run, I know that when we get back to Texas, my kids are going to have an adjustment period and life will take a little longer to slip back into whatever normal is for our family. But for now, Mommy’s going to give them their bed time and whatever other time they want.

I’ve got three days left and it’s not nearly long enough.

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