Rebuilding My Kids’ Trust
So things have been a little insane around my house lately. My kids are starting to settle in with being home and more importantly, being comfortable being home. Part of that comfort is trusting us to be there when they wake up in the morning.
When my hubby and I left, both for R&R and for the original deployment, we delayed talking about leaving until it was time to go. It was important to us because we wanted to enjoy our time together. But inevitably, it came time to tell the kids we were going to be gone. We never said we have to go to work. We said we had to go away for a while and we told them we were not going to be there in the morning. It sucked every night while my kids cried, telling me they did not want me to go.
They still don’t understand that work is every day and that we’ll be home in the evening. Every time there is a break in our new routine, they get upset. And I’m talking sitting on my lap with red faces, tears streaking down their faces, crying ‘Mommy, I don’t want you to go.’
It’s not easy to turn it off and deal with it rationally. It’s hard, because I know they’re hurting. I know there is an ache inside them that they don’t have the words to explain and I know that I am responsible for the insecurity in their lives.
It’s hard to find the words to comfort them because they don’t understand but I have to keep trying. I have to find a way to tell them that mommy isn’t leaving again, any time soon and convince them that it is true. I’ve wrecked their trust, even though it was unintentional and it’s going to take time to rebuild that.
It’s hard and it hurts but it is getting better. Things are starting to slip into routine. My oldest is starting to enjoy school again. My youngest is still not a fan of the daycare but she’s no longer screaming mommy don’t leave me when I drop her off.
They’re doing okay and with a lot of prayer and plenty of vitamin b, I’m doing okay, too. But that, my friends, is another post.
Tags: homecoming, military kids, redeployment, stress
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:44 am
Clearly there is lots of love in your family. It is alsoi very apparent that being a 2 military person parental unit is hard especially deployed or apart.
Sure hope you can get this across in you contributions to PBS. Our thought and prayers are with you, being retired is so much easier even when work interfered.
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:45 am
Jessica,
I have 12 y/o twins, and was a military brat, so I feel your pain. Your kids are so young, it can be hard to explain what “going away” means in a way they can understand. Maybe the best thing is to help them differentiate by explaining the purpose of each “going away.” Kids can grasp, “It is Mommy & Daddy’s turn to protect our country but we will be back when it is someone else’s turn. It takes a long time, sometimes, but we will be back as soon as we can.”
And, “When we left before to take our turn protecting the country, that took a long time and we were very far away so we couldn’t come home every night. Now we are just going to go to work so we can buy stuff we need, like food and toys. We will do that every day, but we will be back every day, so it won’t seem like so long.” Additionally, if you can take the girls to work one day and show them around, it will be easier for them to picture what you are doing while you are “at work.” They have no concept of it, so to them it is just the great unknown and could seem like you are going far away for a long time again.
Good luck! I know transitions are hard, no matter what you do, but we’re still rooting for you.
TJB