Jessica Scott

As I continue to read Michael Sandel’s Justice and listen to the lectures through justiceharvard.org & iTunesU, I admit a nerve has been struck when the discussion has turned to military service.

The question has been posed: if you own yourself (libertarianism) do you have the right to sell your yourself? Into servitude, parts of your body, your womb. And if you do have the right to sell yourself, are you doing the same thing by either a) paying someone to serve in the military for you or being paid to serve for someone else b) does the government have the right to conscript you if drafting you into the military violates your rights to self ownership or c) letting the market determine who will serve (today’s volunteer army).

Essentially the choices are: Conscription, Conscription with the option of paying someone else, or Volunteer and the illustrative points are comparing the Iraq War with the way the Union Army used a mix of conscription and allowing someone to have someone else serve in their stead.

Of course, this struck a nerve when I hear the upper socio economic kids sitting in the lecture hall talk about how ‘well, the military isn’t really a death sentence so its not fair to say that you will die if you go in’ (true but if that’s the case, why aren’t you serving? Oh yeah, Harvard) and ‘if most people in the military are from disadvantaged back grounds or parts of the country where they can be coerced into serving because of patriotism’ (really? Don’t you mean the redneck hillbillies who don’t know any better than to be patriotic (insert sarcasm here)).

The whole conversation of military service and whether today’s volunteer army is any different than mercenaries – the distain that some in the audience showed for values such as civic duty or patriotism notwithstanding – however, is very interesting. If there is no compulsion to serve, if there is no obligation to provide for the common defense of our nation with your own blood, then are you truly committed to the society in which you live? Granted, everyone cannot serve. A, there aren’t enough positions in the military for everyone to serve. B, some simply aren’t fit due to being sick, lame, limp, lazy or crazy. C, military life really isn’t for everyone (but I do think that everyone could benefit from a little dose of reality that military life forces you to confront).

But the greater question that has been raised is if – as is assumed by the lecture and by Sandel’s book – the military is made up of lower socio economic members of society who also hold values such as civic responsibility and patriotism and a willingness to die for this country, how do you explain people like Pat Tillman? Was he simply noticeable because he gave up a life of luxury to sacrifice, an ideal that many of those praising him could not even fathom? How do you explain men like McCrystal and Chiarelli and Odierno and Petreaus who are great leaders and great thinkers who could easily depart the military and serve in a fortune 500 company making many times the pay they could make in the military. How do you explain the fact that millions continue to serve despite the war, despite the family hardship, despite the ‘risk of certain death’? If the military is no better than mercenaries because we volunteer and are paid, then why is it that people stay? Through thick and thin, war and peace, people stay and sacrifice to continue to serve.

I don’t believe that we are mercenaries but I do believe we, as a nation, must confront the issues about civic responsibility and is it truly ethical if you reap the benefits of this nation and only have to pay a few dollars (in taxes) not to have to give anything up. Hell, when we were attacked on Sept 11, we were told to go shopping instead of changing our way of life to ease our dependency on the very oil that financed the attacks.

I fear that a nation that raises a generation of citizens who look down on those who serve as poor ignorant hillbillies (my words to illustrate the point) who can be coerced into believing in things like patriotism (which then assumes that patriotism is a bad thing not a genuine belief) is losing part of its soul. If there is nothing worth sacrificing for, if there is nothing worth fighting for, then what’s the point? Why is America so great if America isn’t worth fighting for (this is not a commentary on either war but on the values across American society). And if you can simply write a check and forget about civic responsibility, then are you truly invested in the welfare of this nation or are you simply able to get a service without a relationship as Zizek defines money?

I ask these questions because I don’t have the answers. I don’t know that everyone at the Ivy League schools look down on those of us in the military but I do hazard a guess that many of the people sitting in that lecture on justice have the luxury of saying that stealing is always wrong because they have never been hungry enough. I believe they have the luxury of saying that killing is always wrong because they have never seen a good friend die or had to fight for their own survival or the survival of their families. I believe many (not all) of them can sit back and say that a person has no obligation to provide for the common good of the nation because they have never been put in a situation where they have to work together TO SURVIVE.

Ethics and philosophy are fascinating. I love the subjects. But I think at a certain point in human life, when desperation and fear and hunger are the overriding factors influencing your decisions, those discussions may become irrelevant. Maybe I’m wrong. I know I’ll still enjoy having the conversations and listening to the lectures. I’m learning a lot.

And as always, it’s a good debate.

Tweet This Post

So the last couple weeks I’ve been reading LIVING IN THE END TIMES by Slavoj Zizek. Yesterday, I started reading JUSTICE by Michael Sandel. I freely admit that Zizek’s book was over my head in many cases. There were large sections that I had no earthly idea what he was talking about. But other cases resonated deeply. JUSTICE is much more up my alley and I’m absolutely hooked on the philosophy behind our ability to make decisions, so much so that I’m seriously considering using his lectures at iTunesU as part of a Leader Development Program in my company (obviously have to check into copyright & fair use first).

Here’s why. In our current operational structure, the lowest level of authority in my organization may not be the platoon. It very week could end up being a section or even a team. So I need to have young NCOs, young sergeants and specialists that can step up and make decisions – ethical and moral decisions – that will bear out in support of the mission and the commander’s intent. I think that by making them think and learn about how they make decisions and why, it will challenge them to consider their actions in a more meaningful way. Plus, its not the same old lectures about EO, Sexual Assault, etc that makes everyone’s eyes cross because it doesn’t challenge them to think. I want to challenge my future organization to be better than they think they can be. They already know they’re good. I’m hearing nothing but positives about the organization I’m becoming a part of and that, to me is exciting.

As I move into my new organization, I realize 2 things, both of which I’m learning (at least formally) somewhat late in my military career but young enough in my officer career. The first is that people need to know what you expect. You, as a leader, cannot assume that people understand your expectations, especially if your expectations are out of step (notice I did not say wrong) with the current organizations norms. Every organization has norms and values and yes, I do believe in casting a value judgment on those to say these are good and these are not so good and HERE’S WHY. Clearly articulating your expectations to your subordinates is a critical step that so many of my peers fail in. Why? Because they assume a similar basis of experience, they assume too many things. You must articulate it and then you must ensure that it is understood.

The second thing is that its not about the organization. In three years time, no one is going to remember Captain Dawson was C Co’s commander. A few folks might remember me but overall, I will pass into history with every other company commander this unit has had. The organization will continue but where I believe as a leader, I can truly make a difference is my impact on the individuals. If my soldiers know that I truly give a shit about their well being and truly believe in enabling them to perform and truly believe that I care about their families, then the organizational stuff will follow. It has to, because an organization that takes care of the individual needs is going to get supported by those individuals.

There are so many factors that go into making decisions and that’s one of the things that I’m really taking away from the Harvard Justice lectures. I’m not just listening to them because I’m an uber nerd who enjoys philosophy (true, however). I’m listening to them and reading these books because to me, I have to be able to articulate to my soldiers why I’m making the decisions I’ve made and gaining education is a way to help me to do that. If I understand it, I can then explain it in a way to make them understand it. If I can teach them how and why I make decisions, then maybe they can learn how and why to make their own decisions. Because it is at the E5 level that the Army must teach coach and mentor if we are to truly impact our ability to take care of our soldiers.

When I interviewed for this command position, my new battalion commander asked me why I wanted to be a commander. I told her that I wanted to help teach coach and mentor the next generation of leaders because I believe I can still make a difference. So that’s why I’m looking at my leader development program. That’s why I’m looking so hard at not only what decisions I will make but why. Because there is huge potential for me to screw this up and this responsibility isn’t something that I’m taking lightly. I won’t. But its not about the Army. Its about the soldiers in the army. Who can I make a difference with today. I bet if all of us, civilian and soldier alike, went out into the world with that mentality, we could dramatically improve the world around us.

One person at a time.

Tweet This Post

I saw this post on Twitter and decided that it needed to be addressed. So of COURSE I’m going to address it. Below is the link as well as the text to the original article and after that is my response.

Community Advisory Board: Everyone needs to soldier on

By Martha J. Sisk

Call me bitter, jealous or hardened if you like, but this new way of saying that our soldiers and their families are “sacrificing” just because the soldiers are in Afghanistan is a bit over the top. In my mind, the only families who are sacrificing are those who have lost a loved one to death in the wars in which we seem to be perpetually involved, or, soldiers who suffer from maiming injuries, either physical or mental.

My husband, Tom, asks if we, as a nation, have become so weak that we now must support military families with the results of mid-summer toy drives and stories about families’ “sacrifices” on TV so that the soldiers serving in Afghanistan or Iraq (or any of the other nations) won’t have to worry. Worry about what? Have we become a nation of complainers?

I can assure the reader that when my husband’s unit was under attack in Vietnam, the last thing on his mind was the quality of life his family in North Carolina was living. Hopefully today’s soldier is not different.

Vast opportunities

Tom was a soldier for more than 20 years, and those were good years. We never considered it a sacrifice – his being in the Army, even his being in Vietnam. We traveled around the United States and were privileged to live in many different states and to savor the various living styles those diverse states offered.

Let me give some examples. We lived in Texas, where we saw cows grazing in our front yard and ate rattlesnake and authentic Mexican food; Colorado, where we first became involved with Little Theater and viewed Pike’s Peak from our kitchen window; Kentucky, where our oldest attended first grade, (and we still have a blue Kentucky license plate on the garage wall); and Alabama, our very first military station. We always took advantage of travel and saw many places of interest we would not have otherwise seen. Was it sometimes lonely? Yes it was, but it also was inspiring and energizing.

We were stationed in Germany two times. The first time, from 1964 to 1966, we were fortunate to live on the German economy, where I shopped in German meat markets, farmer’s markets and dairies for our food. Where was the sacrifice? While there, I even tried some raw milk simply because my neighbors on Krautgarten Strasse were using it. I learned to speak German with such authenticity that no one I spoke to believed that I was American.

Even when Tom served in Vietnam from 1967 to 1968, neither of us considered his being in Vietnam a sacrifice. It was our life, and while the children and I missed him terribly, and he missed being at home, his fighting for our country was considered his job – he was a military man, and being in Vietnam was his duty. To earn money, I got a job in a hospital as an emergency room admitting clerk, and we never got toys for our children unless we paid for them. But sacrifice? I never even considered it.

On a historically sad note, when Tom came home from Vietnam that August of 1968, he was so concerned that people would view him negatively that he refused to wear his uniform.

Acceptance

Soldiers from World War I, World War II, Korea and Vietnam were sent overseas with little or no help from the military for the families left behind; consequently, families coped the best way they could. Tom’s mother told me that while her husband, Ed (Tom’s father), served in World War II, she lived in a hotel for a while, working as a night clerk so that she could pay for the room she occupied with her two boys because she had little money. It was just what she did to have a place to live while Ed was fighting.

She never considered anything she had to do as a sacrifice – and neither did Ed. He was a soldier for more than 30 years, and World War II was just part of his service. The fact that he was overseas for three consecutive years was not even considered a sacrifice because all soldiers were sent overseas for the duration of the war. They knew that when they signed up or when they were drafted. If they were already members of the military, they accepted it.

My husband’s parents never even mentioned the word “sacrifice” when talking about those years. That was the way it was. My question is this: Were the people in previous wars more rugged than today’s soldiers and families are? Our country was built on self-reliance. We seem to have lost that, becoming a nation of whiners in the process.

I am aware that soldiers today must endure numerous unending deployments and it is something we did not suffer. Remember that today’s military is 100 percent volunteer. Military families experience a different life from civilian families and, although military life is sometimes hard, with constant change and frequent deployments, it is also exciting and joyful.

Had I remained a Concord native, I most likely would never have lived the rich and varied life I have. Therefore, here is a big “thank you” to the military for allowing Tom and me and our three children to have such wonderful and diverse experiences. The military made us what we are; it will define today’s soldier and his or her family, too.

Martha Sisk is a member of the Observer’s Community Advisory Board, which meets regularly with the editorial board to discuss local issues and contributes op-ed columns. She is a retired special-education teacher and a retired English instructor from FTCC. She is involved with the arts community in Fayetteville

Ms Sisk,
Your post misses a couple of critical points. During the previous wars, there was little to concern for military families because military service was largely compulsory. Men had no choice but to register with the Selective Service and many were called to service against their will, especially during Vietnam.

The focus on military families has occurred over the generation since the all volunteer service was implemented simply because now, the norm IS a soldier with a family. During those previous conflicts and previous generations of soldiers, military families were the exception, not the norm that it is today.

The simple fact is that a family’s well being is critical to whether or not quality soldiers remain in the military. THAT is why we care about quality of life. THAT is why we have family readiness groups to help young, inexperienced spouses handle everyday life while their soldier is off to war. We want to retain good, quality soldiers because, as you pointed out, this is an all volunteer force.

Despite your husband’s service, you obviously have no idea what its like to be half a world away and worry about a child with a fever or a child struggling with schoolwork or a spouse so overwhelmed that she can’t leave the house. You have no call to suggest that our soldiers and our soldiers families are not sacrificing as we as a military enter our TENTH year of constant war. No recent war has gone on longer. No group of soldiers has faced a more steady stream of combat. No soldier’s children have ever faced the constant on again off again rotation of their parents heading into COMBAT. A combat tour is not the same as going to Korea for a year long hardship tour. A combat tour damn sure isn’t the same as living in Germany for a couple of years and learning to speak German fluently.

Have a care how you tread on the notion of sacrifice. Congratulations, you’re tougher than many but your years as a military spouse were different than the years faced by this generation of spouses. You state in your article that your husband served in Vietnam from 1967-1968. I applaud your husband for his service but I wonder if you might look at the sacrifice our young soldiers are making if he had been gone every other year for four, five, six or seven years. Would you allow yourself to say, man, this is tough? Just maybe?

Our military families are cared for because the strain of constant deployments – something that no previous generation in the last 100 years has had to deal with – is a sacrifice. And still spouses wash the uniforms and kiss their soldiers goodbye so that people like you, who enjoyed the Pax Americana of the Cold War, can say that we are a nation of complainers.

Bravo. I applaud your willingness to join those who spat on your husband and his peers a generation ago by spitting on the notion that our soldiers and their families are not sacrificing today. I hope you’re proud and you achieved your goals. Your thanks at the end of your piece is paltry and hollow. You should have saved your breath, but I will don my uniform and defend your right to say it.

Tweet This Post

Well, today was the day. I’ve got to tell you, looking at myself wearing those captains bars is REALLY weird. I mean, really. I already talked about what I thought this meant yesterday but today, thought I’d do a rare thing and share some photos. Hope you enjoy!

Tweet This Post

Today, 15 years ago, I stood in the parking lot of my high school and kissed my family goodbye, heading to the Portland, Maine MEPs station to enlist in the Army. Getting to August 25 was a challenge for me. The Army hadn’t wanted the little fat girl so I had to get in shape if I’d wanted to do this. So I did and I headed out, enlisting as a little Private E2 with a pair little tiny mosquito wings pinned on my collar.

15 years later, I’m no longer a private and I feel like I’m a lifetime away from that eager kid who joined the Army because she didn’t know what she wanted to be when she grew up. Tomorrow morning, my former brigade commander, my husband and my daughters will promote me to captain. If you would have told me I was going to someday be a captain, let alone married with two kids and happy about all that, I’d have asked you what you were smoking.

I don’t think any of us really know where life is going to take us. I always laughed when people told me their plans when I was a kid. I’m going to college to study this or that. Or I want to do this when I grow up. I really had no idea about any of that. I really did sign up just because I figured it couldn’t hurt, what’s the worst that could happen. But over the years, I’ve learned and I’ve grown and there are certain retired CSMs still around to kick me in my ass and remind me of when I was a smart mouth private. Turns out, that smart mouthed private was just as smart mouthed lieutenant. But I never said I was good at making friends and influencing others.

All that is changing tomorrow. Not so much with pinning on captain, though, I’ve got to say, I am happy to finally not be assumed to be stupid by getting rid of that lieutenant bar. On the other hand, I’ve gotten used to being called LT. Or XO. When I first commissioned, I had real problems being called ma’am. You’ve got to remember, I spent 12 years enlisted, almost 11 of them as an NCO. You NEVER call an NCO ma’am or sir. Ever. So that was a big mental leap for me in my transition to becoming an officer and setting aside some of my NCO tendencies. Tomorrow, another one comes.

Because tomorrow isn’t just about becoming a captain and pinning those shiny rail road tracks onto my stetson. A few weeks after that, I become a commander and the looming responsibility and the potential for screwing up of epic proportions is weighing on me. I realize that as the commander, I’m responsible for everything my soldiers do and don’t do. I owe them the very best that I can give them, nothing less than 100%. I owe them the training and the leadership that will take us through the next deployment. That is my responsibility and its not one that I’m taking lightly. I’ve watched over the last few months how my husband has changed since becoming a first sergeant. The responsibility is heavy but I read somewhere that great responsibility gravitates to the shoulders that can carry it. I don’t know if that’s true in my case, but I’m going to do my best to make it so.

The charge to lead soldiers is not an easy one. It is not one that someone is born to. At least, not most of us. Most of us are grown and trained and developed. All captains don’t get a shot at command. I’m fortunate to have a battalion commander who thinks I’ve got what it takes. I won’t let her down, but more importantly, I won’t let my soldiers down.

Because at the end of the day, its about our soldiers, not about me or what I wear on my chest. It’s about them. How can I make a difference in their lives and make the Army a better place? The day I stop believing that is the day I need to retire.

Tweet This Post

Every so often, an article or information comes at you from a unique place. I don’t subscribe to Vogue magazine. There is nothing in its 400 plus pages of advertising that I find even remotely interesting. It doesn’t draw my attention in the check out counter at the grocery store. True, there are often some good articles buried within the bulimic looking mannequins that are supposed to be icons of fashion but I really couldn’t be bothered to hunt for them every month amid mass advertisements for mascara or Prada. Not that I don’t like those things. I do. I just don’t read about them on a regular basis. I suppose that Vogue is for women what Playboy is for men. We really are reading it for the articles. No really.

So when my agent emailed me and told me about an article on soldier mothers, of course I went out and bought it. This thing weighs a ton and true to the few copies I’ve read over the years, mostly on overseas flights, there were a ton of advertisements. But the article that caught my attention was Bye Bye, Baby by Elizabeth Rubin and I’ve got a few comments on it (really did you expect anything less?).

First, the author repeats the media truism that Alexis Hutchinson is a poor, exploited victim of an Army that simply doesn’t care about family life. If you remember, Hutchinson was arrested and charged with missing movement, dereliction of duty, absent without leave and insubordinate conduct. Note that none of these charges was her failure to have a family care plan. She was ultimately separated from the military in lieu of court martial and, according to the Press Release issued by Fort Stewart, admitted to lying about her family care plan. So was she really a victim of the evil Army attacking a poor single mom or was she trying to avoid doing her duty? Only she knows but the Army’s investigation reveals that the case is not as the media presented it to be.

The reason I take issue with the media portrayal of Hutchinson’s case is that it is complete and utterly misleading the public on the realities of mothers in the military. When single mothers enlist, they must voluntarily give up custody of their children to someone else. When a female soldier becomes pregnant, she must have a valid family care plan 90 days prior to the scheduled birth of her child and KNOWS that she is required to fulfill her obligations as a soldier. Every single mother on active duty knows that it is not a question of if she will have to leave her children, but when and still we serve. In fact, there has been no mass exodus of women leaving the military due to pregnancy since the wars began. According to the Defense Manpower Center statistics, since 2001, the numbers for pregnancy separations have remained relatively steady on average around 1500.

There are significantly more men separated for a variety of other reasons every year. And yes, that include percentages as well. The Army doesn’t just randomly court martial people for no reason and not having a family care plan is not a court martialable offense. Dereliction of duty, however, is.

The second issue that I have with Rubin’s article is that she incorrectly states that the Army only gives 4 months of nondeployable time after the birth of a child when in fact, the Army policy is in fact 6 months. Is this still woefully inadequate for the mother of a newborn? Absolutely. But if you’re going to write an article about how terrible the Army is to new mothers, its important to at least practice some Google-fu before hand and make sure the facts are accurate.

The third thing that actually has me the most irate about the Vogue article is the statement, highlighted in a call out box that says “Not even the Soviets, the Israelis, or the Iraqi Baathist have sent mothers of infants and toddlers to the front lines like we do.”

First off, comparing the Israeli army to the Soviets and the Baathists is offensive in too many ways to count. The Israeli army is often held up as a paragon of coed combat when in fact, women are not in the infantry there any more than they are in the infantry in our own army. But stating that our Army is somehow “exploiting the blanket mandatory deployment because we need bodies to feed the global military machine” clearly shows the authors bias against our military and our current wars. Comparing our army to the Soviets and the Baathist is a cheap tactic that not only undermines every single value the Army holds up as a virtue, it also devalues the soldiers that make up this great Army and is willing to guard the gates so that you can go about your business buying shoes or purses and ignoring the capitalist reality that buying said purse has on the world around you.

There are, however, facts in Rubin’s article that I agree with. We don’t know the long term impact on the children of their mothers being gone and the evidence that is starting to be gathered suggests that some children will have long term challenges while others will be fine. And I can also relate to the experiences of one of the mothers in her article, when she says she’s short on patience and has difficulty reintegrating. I do believe that mothers have a harder time coming home than fathers do because our role in our families is different. Not better, not worse. Different. Rubin’s article also does a brilliant job of depicting how mothers deal with combat situations and how they relate those experiences in war to when they come home.

There are entire academic papers, both within the military and without, that argue the role of women and mothers in the military. Arguing that the 6 month non deployable status is too little ignores the operational needs of the war fighting units that have been on back to back to back deployments since 2001. Women in the military are expected to do their jobs, just like our male counter parts. THAT is equality.

Arguing that new moms should get a longer nondeployable period is great for mothers and for retaining some of these young women in the force. We NEED good soldiers on Rear Detachment so leaving some of these leaders back to care for their children and ensure that the soldiers left in the rear have good leadership is one argument for giving new mothers longer non deployable time. But we have the luxury of having this debate now as the war winds down. We did not have this luxury two, three or four years ago at the height of Iraq and as Afghanistan heats back up, we must never forget that our soldiers are STILL at war and THAT must be our focus.

At the end of it all, Rubin uses these women’s stories to paint a failed or failing picture of the conflict in Afghanistan. She starts the article talking about military moms but ends it talking about American resolve. I don’t believe she was being malicious in her article, but I do believe she used the soldiers’ stories to serve her own agenda, just as any reporter or writer does.

I simply abhor the fact that she once more held Hutchinson up as the poster child for military moms when there are thousands and thousands of us who do our duty and still try to be good moms. I abhor the fact that she compares our army to the Soviets and the Baathists, as if somehow implying that our army is forcing mothers to choose this life and is sending them to the front lines with a gun to the back of their head.

Mothers on active duty have a choice to serve or not. No one forces them to raise their right hand and when the Army pays for the birth of your child, gives that child healthcare and pays you to help put a roof over that child’s head, all the Army asks is for you to do your part. It is all we all do. The Army is not a welfare state. We have rules that clearly lay out what we as mothers must do to serve.

So please, stop acting like we’re exploited victims of the evil male Army. Accept that we are here because we choose to be here, with all that entails for our families. We are responsible for our choices, just as our male counterparts are. THAT is what feminism is about.

The power to choose our paths through this world, just as any man can choose his path.

Tweet This Post

Nothing used to drive me more crazy than when my company commanders would dictate that there would be nothing but professional reading in xx location. That location could be the office, it could be the field site, on shift or it could even be in Iraq or Afghanistan.

It used to drive me batshit crazy because I believe in balance. Forcing soldiers to read nothing but TMs and FMs and other professional reading would guarantee they would all go nuts or come up with more creative ways to hide what they were really reading.

Now that fixing to be a commander, however, and have about 15 more years experience in the army, I can at least look back and say, yes, I understand why they made rules like that. But the only thing I can see that it accomplished was pissing people off and making them lie to you.

As I get ready to take company command, I’ve somewhat stepped into the other side of looking at things. Okay, not really because I will tell you that I love to read professional reads all day long, but sometimes, I need to curl up with a JK Beck or an Allison Brennan to give my brain a chance to recover. I am not suggesting that romance and other popular fiction is mind numbing, not in the least but it requires that I relax and enjoy the read rather than have my subconscious trying to figure out how to implement what I’m reading into policy or proceedures.

That said, I’m not quite sure how the boss will feel if she comes across my soldiers reading Maxim in the JNN. So I will have to finess this policy as it grows. But, that said, I believe that if soldiers are in college and they are doing professional reading on their own (and their boss knows about) then what’s the harm in letting them read the Silver Surfer comic?

I’m building my professional reading list for my company. I say for my company because my junior sergeants and my staff sergeants are one day going to be my sergeants first class or my master sergeants. My specialists might one day head to OCS and become a lieutenant. So at the end of it all, every soldier needs a professional development plan, not just my officers and senior NCOs. I already have a master’s degree so I’m going to be pretty upset if my boss counsels me that I have to go to school. But if I didn’t have any college? I’m going to be pretty upset if my NCOs aren’t counseling all my soldiers to get their butts in the college or professional development program.

I’ve got smart soldiers in my company. I know this. I’m taking a signal company that I’m hearing nothing but amazing things about.

But every organization can be better and the only way to improve the organization is by improving the soldiers. So my guys are going to be bent out of shape when I say that all NCOs and E4 promotable will be doing some form of professional development. I want a plan that will serve as a contract between the sergeant and his supervisor. There will be exceptions, of course, but those that fail to take advantage of a command climate that is going to fully support professional development will be hurt by it later.

So as I’m building my professional reading list for my juniors and my seniors, I’m looking at the different things that I needed to know as a sergeant versus what I wished I’d known as a sergeant first class. Those things are different but by having my sergeants on a reading list, I will be laying the foundations for them to become better senior leaders when they do step into those shoes.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on a reading list and professional development. I’m still formulating my plan so I’m open to ideas, outside the box type stuff that worked for you and things that I might not have thought about.

Tweet This Post

I’ve been trying to get the words right to describe my first conference but it seems like nothing has stopped long enough for me to actually get them down. My agent wants another synopsis for a second book. I just sold another article to the RWA. In the last three days, I’ve written over 10000 words and I’m sitting here, staring at the book I so desperately need to finish and…

Nothing.

I’m not stuck. I know where the story is going. I know what comes next. I even have the scene partially sketched out in my brain. But as I sit here, I have a feeling inside me that I don’t know how to deal with. I don’t even know what to call it. I’m edgy, because everything is going so well in the writing field at the moment. I’m antsy because I get to stay at Fort Hood and take command in October and that is going to be the biggest challenge of my military career. I’m rung out about my daughter starting school again in a few weeks. I’m worried about doing it all when my husband deploys again.

I feel like I’m not going to sit still for the next two years.

I need to write another 5000 words today. I need to write an article for Empowering Parents. I need to go school clothes shopping and clean out my daughters’ old clothes. I need to schedule a DA Photo and take the local commander’s course. I need to get my command philosophy written and come up with a schedule for my first 30 days in command, to make sure that everyone gets counciled, that everyone understands my intent and that there is no doubt that even though I’m a junior captain, I’m still the commander. I’m nervous about meeting my first sergeant and signing into my new unit. I’m nervous about standing in front of that formation and taking the guidon.

When writers say they don’t have time to read your book, they’re not kidding. When I think about everything that I need to do, I’m a little crazy. There simply is no way to do it all. At least not all in one day.

So as I sit here, I think about everything I need to do, I’m going to do nothing. I’m going to go for a walk. It’s a hundred and four but I’m going for a walk. To clear my head and regain my focus and figure out a way to get back after it.

Tweet This Post

So last night I tweeted about getting an email about a reality show that’s looking for a female soldier/mom. The show is something about the hardest working moms in America. Which is cool. I think it would be good for folks to see what some mom’s go through.

Just not me.

I politely emailed the casting agent who contacted me and said thanks but no thanks. Oddly enough, there were tons of folks telling me I should go for it. It’s a huge potential platform (for all those books I haven’t managed to sell). It’s a good opportunity. I could be a role model (better than Heidi Montag).

All of that is true, for the most part (I highly doubt I am a role model for anything other than the definition of insanity). It would be a good opportunity for book sales. It would help build a platform. But it would probably destroy not only my family, it would wreck my career and my self esteem. I don’t watch a lot of reality tv, but the snippets I’ve seen from a few shows are always high drama. There is enough stress in my life just getting the kids out the door to make it to formation on time. The last thing I need is a camera in my 3 year old’s face when she’s melting down as we’re walking out the door. The last thing I want to see is me losing my patience and having CPS show up because of something they see on the tv.

I’m a writer. I’m a soldier and I’m a mom. I’m not a TV star. While every author hopes to be on Oprah someday, that would be about the extent of it. I was offered a chance to work on a phenomenal project earlier this year but I had to decline because it would have taken me away from my family right after I’d gotten home from Iraq. I regret having to turn that project down because it’s going to be awesome but at the end of it all, the project will go on with the other writer and will have just as much impact as it would have without me.

The TV show would have been fun, at least to start. It’s kind of neat when you think that people might want to see what my life is like. But really, I’m just like every other mom out there: stressed out, busy, and trying to keep all the balls in the air while ensure my children are prepared to face the world.

Putting them on TV would not be the best way to do that.

And the impact would not only be on my kids. I’m getting ready to take command of a signal company. My soldiers deserve me coming on board, ready to lead, challenge and mentally prepare them for the next deployment. How on earth would I accomplish that if there were cameras in our company training meetings? How effective would that be, all so I could have my 15 minutes of fame?

No, the TV show might be fun if there wasn’t a war going on. But there is and there is too much upheaval in my life and my soldier’s lives to compound it with a tv camera in their faces.

Tweet This Post

I’ve blogged a lot about my experience in Iraq with some of the folks I’ve worked with. I’ve also been honest with you about some of my failures, both as a leader and as an officer. But at the end of the day, my failures in those situations, my decisions to act or not act for whatever my justifications, were my decisions and my failure has weighed heavily on my heart.

The second and third order effects of my failures are that some people in the army have gotten promoted due to my unwillingness or inability to fall on my sword.

A few weeks ago, I had a phenomenal opportunity to sit down with my former brigade commander and pick his brain about my future as a company commander. In the hour and a half that he sat with me, we talked about some of the things that went wrong and some of the things that he saw that I had not. A hard lesson I had to learn as I’ve come through the ranks is that the people above me making decisions have access to information I do not have and he saw things at his level that I simply did not and even if I did, we would not have seen the same things.

When we talked about NCO/officer relationship, I confessed to him where I failed. I told him explicitly what I did and why I did it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to look into the face of a leader you respect and admire and look up to and tell him how badly you screwed up? And to watch the disappointment flicker there when he told me how many weak words I’d just used?

Yeah, it sucks. And you know what else? He didn’t cut me any slack. He told me point blank that the action I took probably result in that individual being promoted. Maybe even being my first sergeant. He laid it out for me. And then he said get over it. Did you learn from it? I said yes. He then laid out for me that some fights are worth lying on your sword for, some are not but that I made the best decision I could at the time and that other people had a vote. It was not only my decision that sent that NCOER through.

It was truly cathartic for me to admit what I’d done and where I failed. I’ve carried around that failure with me for a year now. That NCOER was mostly the truth but it was better than it should have been. But I also learned a powerful lesson and when he explained to me that no relationship is static, they are constantly in flux and subject to assessment, I had an epiphany as to where I’d failed. I’d failed to constantly adjust and redefine right and left limits in that specific relationship.

So I’ve finally found a way to let go of the guilt I’ve been carrying around inside me for this. It was not an absolution but a way of finally learning what I was supposed to from that whole experience. Because for the life of me, before I’d talked with my former commander, I had no idea what I was supposed to learn from what, in my mind, was one of the biggest mistakes as an officer I’ve made to date.

I understand so many more things now but with that understanding comes new expecations. It’s like one burden has been lifted, replaced by a new responsibility to live up to the things he taught me.

I’m so incredibly lucky to have been part of this brigade and have this brigade commander to step on my neck. That sounds funny but he demanded more from me than I ever thought possible and sometimes more than I thought was fair. But he held me to a high level of performance and he told me I’d lived up to his expectations.

Hearing that? Well I can’t really explain how that made me feel.

It made a lot of the painful lessons of the last two plus years worthwhile. I understood his intent very clearly from the moment he told me what had happened to him in Sadr City. I knew what his intent was for communications in his brigade and I busted my ass to make that happen. I didn’t always succeed but I never quit.

I was meant to go through that pain to learn those lessons. Finally, I understand some of the things that have been driving me absolutely nuts. And I’ve had the opportunity to be influenced by one of the strongest leaders I’ve ever met in my entire career.

I hope the signal world is ready for some venom because that was his charge to me as I leave this brigade and head back to my roots in the signal corps. But I’ll never forget where I come from or the foundation that was laid for me as an officer in my brigade.

Oh and I’m completely borrowing one of his sayings. I will freely admit to it right here: Don’t Mistake My Passion for Anger.

This ought to be interesting.

Tweet This Post

As many of you know, I occasionally dip my toes into the waters of commenting on policy or major media events about our government. I don’t do it often because as an officer, I’m held to a higher standard and sometimes that means keeping my mouth shut (you have no idea how much of a challenge that truly is).

Anyway, for the last two days, we’ve been watching the talking heads in the media pick apart the Rolling Stone profile of GEN Stanley McCrystal. There’s been everything from rabid defense of the general to rabid calls for his public flogging. I read the article after hearing about the furvor on the news and if you haven’t, I encourage you to read it.

Because it’s no where near as bad as the media made it sound. Why do I say that? Well, for one, when people like Maureen Dowd criticize the general and his aides for machismo and “towel slapping”, I get annoyed. Why is it we as a society have taken machismo and manly, war like behavior and turned it into something to be condemned? Hello, he’s a general in the army. He’s not supposed to be handing out flowers and candy. He sends soldiers to kill people. That is what he does and the manner in which he carries out his mission, while subject to discussion and debate, should not be held up against some liberal version of ideals that say we can all just get along.

Additionally, as the leader of forces in Afghanistan, GEN McCrystal is the face of the war and, well, the public is sick of the war and I’m reasonably certain the politicians are, too, if media talk is any indication. The problem here becomes a few off hand remarks are turned into crimes nearly worthy of treason by a media that, despite protests to the contrary, are still very left leaning and anti war. And while the media have made good strides in not portraying soldiers as baby killers and pot heads like they did during Vietnam, there is still an underlying current that the soldiers shoulder the burden of being lumped in with the antiwar sentiment.

The fact that President Obama has seen fit to either accept GEN McCrystal’s resignation or to remove him from command remains firmly the president’s decision. What I see in a general that makes me respect and admire him, civilians look at as barbaric towel slapping. There is a disconnect between what we in the military deem appropriate or effective behavior and what civilians deem appropriate or effective.

In the end, this decision will be judged by the history books. Just as former President Bush’s legacy will change based on the long term success or failure of Iraq and his policies there, President Obama will be counted among the presidents responsible for the win or loss in Afghanistan. He made his decision after personally speaking with General McCrystal. He did not knee jerk and fire him via VTC or teleconference. He spoke to him face to face. I have to accept and believe that he made his decision based on the facts as he saw them and I will not question his decision. He is the commander in chief and I have an oath to obey his orders, just as all officers do.

GEN McCrystal served honorably and with the greatest admiration and respect of his soldiers. He was not necessarily loved but being in command isn’t about being loved, it’s about accomplishing the mission and taking care of soldiers. It is a true shame that a reporter with an ax to grind against the war and the military chose to publish this article about this general to grind said ax.

Tweet This Post

So today, Twitter and the media are all up in arms about comments Gen McCrystal made to a Rolling Stone reporter. Watching the commentary on MSNBC today, you would have thought Gen McCrystal had committed high treason.

Here’s the thing and it is universally true regardless of what profession you are in: Watch what you say and who you say it to.

Early in my military career as a young private and specialist, I made an off hand remark to a sergeant about one of the key leaders in my platoon, never dreaming he would go back and tell said key leader. What followed was a significant emotional event for me in learning the lesson that a, I was wrong for the comment and said key leader turned into a true mentor for me, but b (and more importantly) watch what you say.

It’s a lesson that has stuck with me over the years and one that I have internalized strongly. People around you are probably not your friends and even if they are, their loyalty may be to someone else. Over the years, I have made many aquaintances and few true friends. The friends I do have, however, I trust implicitly. Even then, I sometimes censor myself.

Call it distrust, I call it prudence. When I was having trouble with my former agent, there were two people I talked to about how I felt and what I was going through and I trust those two individuals to keep it between us, not shared on message boards and other writing groups. Everyone else got a censored version and that’s the way it should be. I shouldn’t be posting on my blog all the dirty details and I won’t, because its unprofessional.

When I was having problems with my previous commander, I posted things here that I knew might get back to him. I never posted anything that I would be uncomfortable explaining and, there too, the thoughts and emotions were self censored. On PBS, there are so many things I said in real life that I never would post online.

In developing my public persona, I am highly aware that everything I say and do will be held against me. This is a key thing to remember as I head off to the RWA National conference next month. There will be gossip and drinking. There will be private conversations, but during all of that, in the back of my mind, will be the reminder that I am ‘on’. Even there, when I’m going as a writer and not as a soldier, I am still a soldier and I am still being scrutinized as such.

So I will watch what I say and who I say it to. Just like always, because I would hate for an offhand remark or six to be turned into a public spectacle.

Tweet This Post

Yeah, yeah, I know I said I wasn’t going to be online much as I’m in a self enforced deadline and MUST work if I ever hope to make writing, oh, I don’t know, a career.

But as I was driving to work today, something about my conversation with my old brigade commander a couple of weeks ago struck me. Actually, it hit me in the head. But first, a tangent.

I’m a soldier. That doesn’t mean that being a soldier and being a girlie girl are mutually exclusive, it just means that for me, I’m more comfortable in combat boots than high heels. Yesterday, I registered for the RWA National conference in Orlando. Now, for those that are part of the fantastic Austin RWA group, I usually show up in uniform because I leave straight from work to get down to Austin in a reasonable amount of time (I’ve been terrible about going this year and I’m trying to get better). But I always sit with my back to the door and I’m almost always terrible uncomfortable.

See, I’m surrounded by women. Great women. Awesome women who adopted me while I was deployed last year and sent me packages every single month. They didn’t forget about me when I fell of the planet for a while when I was dealing with some personal issues. They are fantastic.

And yet, I’m awkward and unsure of myself every time I step into the room. I worry that I’ll swear too much or be too impatient or say something that might be perfectly reasonable to me but strike a civilian as completely horrible. And I desperately don’t want to offend any of them because they are an awesome group of ladies.

But to be honest, my entire adult life has been spent surrounded by men. There are a few women scattered throughout the formation but by and large, I’m one of the few girls. So even though I wear makeup in uniform, I don’t wear much. I don’t want guys to look at me and see a girl, I want them to see a soldier. And even though the first thing they DO see is a girl, they don’t see a girlie girl and when I open my mouth, it’s obvious that I am a soldier first.

As I get ready to go to RWA, I realize that I am going to have to be on guard. I’m going to have to polish the turd, so to speak. To learn to have entire conversations without swearing, even when I’m relaxed.

Do you have any freaking idea how hard that is going to be? Oh and it says on the website business casual. Um, I own jeans. And t-shirts. And flip flops because when I’m chasing my kids around the zoo, heels aren’t exactly what I would call functional (I am, however, in awe of women who do decide to go to the zoo in high heels but I wonder if they’ve taken pain medication before hand?).

That being said, every time I go to ARWA, I’m glad I went because I learn a little more about how to relax and how to be a little more of a girl. I won’t be a soldier forever. At some point I’m going to have to get reacquainted with my feminine side.

And apparently, that was supposed to start the moment I commissioned. When my former brigade commander gave me some of his valuable time for mentorship, he pointed out that I still have some of my NCO tendencies. He asked me how many times he’d sworn during our conversation and I couldn’t honestly think of any. Then he asked how many I had. And I flushed but he said it was fine because we had a relationship. I wouldn’t talk like that if I was talking to the division commander and he was right.

So as I move further into my transition as an officer AND as a writer, I realize that I have to find ways to be a little less crass, a little more polished. I have to swear a lot less and find a ton more patience.

In essence, I have to start polishing the turd.

Tweet This Post

For those of you that have been following my blog, you know I’m getting ready to head back to Fort Gordon for the captain’s career course. I’m not thrilled with the plan because it means uprooting my family but at least we’ll only be in Georgia instead of well, Iraq. And it’s only for a few months before we reunite the family under one roof again.

Course Iraq looms against shortly after we get home but we’ll deal with that. We’ve done it before; we’ll do it again.

Anyway, I’ve already begun my transition with my replacement. First, let me tell you, I feel like the Devil Wears Prada because in my heart of hearts, I feel like I’ve made a true difference in the way this unit works and operates and I worry about my replacement stepping in simply because he wasn’t with the brigade the whole time so I’ve got a basis of experience he missed out on.

He’s going to do just fine.

But I worry, you know?

I like feeling like I’ve made a difference. I like being needed and I like being trusted and with my commander and my first sergeant, there’s trust between the three of us. I haven’t had that – not like this- since becoming an officer and its meant the world for me in the last few months. The three of us have been a great team and I am really, honestly and truly, going to miss working with those two guys. I never had to bite my tongue and they didn’t either. And it worked.

But more than those two, I’m going to miss my old soldiers. The guys I was downrange with will be burned in my memory forever. My daughters run around saying “I am a robot” and I’m wondering why my kids sound like SSG Sanchez. These guys are a really great group of soldiers and the Blackknight family is just that: A family. We’ve got good soldiers all working toward the good of the brigade.

The team I’m leaving behind will succeed because they understand how critical they are to the success of the brigade. And they truly care about getting better every day.

My life in the Greywolf brigade has not been easy. I’ve had many days where I’ve screamed in frustration and anger. But the single best compliment I’ve received is being told that I was one of the few officers who were truly passionate about what I was doing. That to me is the one of the few things someone could have said about me that means a lot. Especially considering the speaker, someone I admire and respect tremendously.

I’ve had an incredible support from the senior leaders in my brigade. The 2 XOs I served, the DCO and the Brigade Commander all took a smart ass, know it all lieutenant and proceeded to step on my neck while I learned what it meant to be an officer in a brigade combat team.

I am a better officer for having had these men as mentors. I’ve learned to argue for whats important and how compromise when I knew I couldn’t win. I learned hard lessons about firing people and what happens when you don’t cut sling load. I also relearned that its about having the right people in the job, regardless of rank.

As I move on to my next assignment, I will try to go in with a dose of humility. As a great lady recently told me, I am still a young officer, regardless of my time in service. I still have a ton to learn about being an officer.

I am willing to learn but as always, I have to learn from people I respect and admire. That may be a critical weakness on my part, but it is one I’m at least aware of.

I am honestly saddened at the thought of leaving this unit. Unlike other units where, when it was time to go, it was really time to go and I didn’t look back with nostalgia until much later. I’m already looking back on this fondly. I’m glad I’ve got the blog to remind me of some of the challenges.

I’m not gone yet. I’ve still got to make my transition as seamless as possible so that one day, they look around and realize I’m gone and they don’t even miss me. For while it would be nice to be missed, if I am to have any true, lasting impact, I need to make sure when I leave, the transition is smooth and easy.

Because the BlackKnight family has worked their asses off to get where they are and they deserve to have a seamless transition. It’s my last task before heading off for parts unknown.

Tweet This Post

Well, I received the long anticipated ethics review and the short version is my book is dead if I want to get paid for it.

I can write it for free all day long but so long as I’m active duty, I cannot receive a single dime for it.

Wait for it.

Sigh.

So that kills that small dream. I honestly thought I’d written a proposal that met the requirements. Why else would I have gone out with it? I mean, crap, yeah, lets write a book proposal that has no hope in hell of selling and waste a whole bunch of people’s time.

Um no.

I’m pretty disappointed right now. Yep, I’ve even shed a tear or two. It’s not that I can’t write the book. But how can I justify spending time on a project that is going to take as much time as this? And there will be costs associated with writing it. Remember, I’d have to use all publicly available information, which means if I wanted in to Lexus Nexus, I’d have to pay for it and I couldn’t honestly claim it was an investment b/c I would go into it knowing there was no possibility of getting any money back.

Yes, this is about the money. Yes, I’ve spent the last 4 years working on becoming a writer because someday, I’d like to get out of the Army and write full time. That involves a paycheck but the long term goal is not something for me to just throw aside for the short term gain.

Apparently, my little dream of writing a few books while I was on active duty and building my reader base was nothing more than a fantasy. The lawyer said I can write a memoir, so there’s hope for that but it means essentially scrapping the current project as it stands.

So I’ve got some choices to make but I’m not doing that right now while I’m still reeling from the news. I’m not going to buck up against the Army because this is my career we’re talking about and as much as I’m looking forward at my life beyond the Army, that day is still far down the road.

Right now, all I can say is…shit, this sucks.

Tweet This Post

It’s hard to believe but its been four months now since I first stepped off that plane from Iraq. So much has changed and yet, so much still remains.

January and February will go down as the worst months. Lots of crying and screaming and yelling as the kids tried to figure out where they fit and what they could get away with. Lots of tears on my part as guilt ate away at my soul, part for leaving and the other part for coming home and uprooting them once more. There was the panic over my oldest going from loving school to hating it. The daily battles to get her up in the morning and the ever present food battles where my oldest proved just how stubborn she truly was.

But February ushered in March, where things got a little better. There were still bad days. Really bad ones but the distance between them grew a little longer. But we as we moved forward, each night I fell asleep hoping that tomorrow would be better, that the stress and guilt eating away at me would ease back and we could enjoy being a family for a little while, however long that might be.

I’ve focused on my oldest because, at 5, she is more like a little person. She is more articulate and significantly more vocal than my youngest on so many issues. But lately, my youngest is starting to show signs of stress. She’s always cried when we drop her off at daycare in the morning, but now, she cries as soon as she wakes up.
She’s crying for Grammy, something she has not done in the last four months. I admit to being stunned the day she stood in a crowded rest stop in New Jersey and told me she didn’t think I loved her. I didn’t know what to say or do. As I’ve written before, I was prepared for I don’t love you, not you don’t love me.

But now when she gets upset with us, she says she wants to go back to Grammy’s because ‘hers always nice to me’ and ‘her loves me’. I think my 3 year old is confused. She doesn’t know where she fits and I worry more about her adjustment than my oldest’s simply because she is so little and she was so young (just over six months old) when I first left her.

Her difficulty is also painful because she’s always just gone with the flow. She’s never been a fussy kid, always kind of rolling with whatever. The fact that four months into our transition home and she’s suddenly having issues is extra tough to deal with because she’s been so resilient up to this point.

My little girl has been through a lot. She’s three and a half and she’s been without me for half her life. The guilt I keep thinking I’ve dealt with is like an insurgent, sneaking up when I’m least prepared to deal with it, like the middle of a rest stop. I hope she’ll be okay in the long run, but the simple lack of information about long term impacts means that my husband and I are simply going in blind and doing the best we can.

For now, I try to get my mom on the phone as much as I can so my kids can hear her voice. My youngest seems to need this contact more than my oldest. I’m trying to be as understanding and accommodating as I can, but really, how many times can you overlook a roll of toilet paper thrown in the toilet before someone needs to instill some discipline.

I think she’s doing fine, over all. But its those moments when she says how much she misses her Grammy that I feel my own heart breaking. She has no other words to express her confusion about where she fits in the world.

And I have no way to really pierce through the bubble of my own guilt.

Tweet This Post

For that matter, just put them on for a while before you condemn our soldiers. Twitter is all abuzz today about the killing of two journalists by pilots in 2007. The incident is not new. We’ve known about the death of those Reuters reporters since it happened. It was also mentioned in Finkel’s The Good Soldiers.

It is unfortunate that innocents are killed in war. It is tragic when our soldiers turn to rape and murder like in the Stephen Green case from Mahmoudiya.

This incident in July 2007 was not another Mahmoudiya. It was not another Haditha. This was combat pilots in the air, providing air support soldiers on the ground during the surge. They believed the men in their sites were a threat, if not to them, then to the soldiers they were defending.
I have not flown in the cockpit of an Apache. I have not walked the streets during the surge.

But I have deployed and I do know the suspicion, the stress and the judgment calls that are made in battle cannot be second guessed by Monday morning quarter backs who have never worn the boots, let alone walked a mile in combat in them.

I watched the video.

Yes, we dehumanize the enemy. Yes, we make crude jokes about the people around us. Yes, we use black humor to get through what is arguably the darkest situation you can put a human being in. Killing another human being is not easy and it is not nice and the men and women who have gone to war come back changed forever. How each soldier copes with what they have done during war is not for us to judge.

As an Army, we do our bests to fight within the laws of war. Most of our soldiers go out with the intention of coming back. What they have to do to accomplish that, to bring their buddies home is not for those who have never served to question.

Soldiers come home and question what they’ve done during war. When battle is over and you’re back in the States, you have time to really think about what you’ve done. You can not change it. As an Army, we train by putting our soldiers in these situations before they deploy. We train to try and avoid things like this where innocents were killed. We conduct AARs to learn what we can do better. But you don’t get a do over. Once you pull that trigger, it’s an irrevocable choice.

It is unfortunate that these reporters were mistaken for insurgents. Was it a reasonable mistake? Yes. Because insurgents had decoyed themselves as media, as medics, as women in order to get closer to our soldiers. We do our best not to violate the laws of war. The same cannot be said about the enemy, who blatantly use mosques, schools and hospitals as staging areas for their weapons caches. And yet, we condemn our soldiers when we put them in impossible situations.

Those pilots made the best decision they could. The fact that later reports were different does not surprise me. An initial assessment of what’s going on often changes when the fog clears and people have time to really sift through what happened. I’ve stood in the TOC and listened to initial reports only to read later that what originally came through was not, indeed what happened. Does that mean someone lied? No, it doesn’t.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again until I’m blue in the face. Don’t you dare condemn us as dishonorable until you have worn the uniform and gone through combat. Each individual is responsible for his or her actions, even in a time of war. But war means death and destruction and unfortunately, innocents are caught in that.

War is not pretty. It never has been. So don’t pretend to sit there and say how horrible these pilots were because they were making wise ass remarks and smarting off. They were in combat and they were mentally in a place that allowed them to take another human life in defense of their brothers, under the orders of a nation that sent them there.

If they are to be judged, let it be by their peers. Men and women who have sat in that cockpit, who have flown in combat and who have had to make the same decisions they have. Those are their peers. Not some media group leaking classified information in the name of transparency when all they want to do is find another excuse to complain about Iraq and in doing so, paint the actions of our soldiers as murderers and thugs.

True atrocities have taken place in the conduct of this war.
This is not one of them.

Tweet This Post

I haven’t gotten very far into Black Hearts by Jim Frederick. As in I’ve made it through the first section of the first chapter and have read the most horrifying description of what men who wore our uniform did to an Iraqi family.

I don’t want to read this book because I don’t want to look at the men of that platoon and see them as human beings. I don’t want to feel anything other than loathing for the men who committed one of the most notorious war crimes of the Iraq war, if not the worst. I don’t want to know their names and I don’t want to understand what motivated them.

Reading this book is going to take me to a place I don’t want to go. To confront the true horror that walks among us, simply waiting for the right cocktail of things to go wrong.

I don’t know if I can read this book, but at the same time, to turn away is to turn away from the truth of what our men did. Because as much as I want to view them as murderers and monsters, they were ours. Until the day they walked off that COP, they were ours. But the moment they made the choices they made, they ceased being ours. They ceased being human and they joined a class of other for which there is no repentance. You cannot come back from a crime like they committed.

I don’t believe justice has been served by sentencing Steven Green to life in prison. The horror that he inflicted on one Iraqi family is too great for him to sit in a prison cell the rest of his life. The shame he brought to our nation is too great for him to still be breathing.

Reading Black Hearts is going to be one of the hardest books I’ll ever have to read. The other war narratives I have read have had our boys trying to get home. Black Hawk Down. The Long Road Home. These were stories of soldiers. Of ordinary men.

I don’t know that Black Hearts is going to tell me the story of ordinary men. I don’t want to believe that ordinary men could rape and murder a young girl, then set the body on fire and murder her entire family to conceal the crime. How does an ordinary man do something like this, no matter the stress.

It is easy to sit back and call the monsters. I never walked in their shoes. I am comfortable in the thoughts that I would never walk in their shoes. I would never look at a child and dream up the most horrific crime.

In the end, not to read this book would be an act of cowardice on my part. So I’ll read it. But I don’t think it will be easy. And I don’t think I will be able to look in the face of my fellow soldiers with an easy heart again.

Tweet This Post

This post has been building for a long time. I’ve been trying to keep my mouth shut and act like a grown up, mature professional.

But who the hell am I kidding?

Friday was the rededication of the First Cavalry Division’s Memorial to those who have made the ultimate sacrifice. This was be the third time the Cav has rededicated the memorial since the war began, etching new names of our fallen brothers and sisters into the black granite. The memorial stands in front of the First Cav headquarters for all to see, a silent tribute to a soldier who gave their life. Friday, we added 69 more names to the immortal wall.

Standing in that crowd and paying respect to my fallen brothers and sisters means something to me, as it does to everyone who has ever lost someone next to them who wore the uniform. The American Flag became more than cloth to me the first time I stood on that airfield in Mosul and saluted a flag draped coffin. And my uniform means something to me because my brothers and sisters in arms have bled and died in these colors.

When someone, man or woman, raises their right hand and volunteers to become a soldier, they are signing on to become someone different. We are taught to uphold the Army Values. Those Army values may be just words on a poster to many but to some of us, they are more than words.

So when people who have never worn the uniform dare to call all the men and women who wear it dishonorable, disloyal, liars or criminals, it deeply offends me to the very seat of my soul.
I just ordered Dark Hearts: One Platoon’s Journey into Madness. The book is about the Mahmoudiya murder committed by Stephen Green and his platoon. These men raped and murdered a 14 year old Iraqi girl and then murdered her entire family to conceal the crime. This was not warfare. This was murder. This was dishonor.

Being willing to kill in combat is not the same as murder.

In Fareheitt 9/11, Michael Moore dared to portray soldiers as amoral killers because they listened to Drowning Pool’s Bodies as they rolled outside the gate. What Mr. Moore fails to realize is the loyalty and bonds that will enable you to do anything to bring the men and women next to you home alive. If Bodies got our boys in that tank in the right frame of mind to go out and come home alive, then so be it. They are soldiers and it is not a kind, gentle thing that soldiers are asked to do for our nation. Our nation asks us to kill and while we will do our best to do so with restraint, if you have never worn a uniform, then you have no right to pretend to know what my brothers and sisters in arms go through each time they roll outside the wire.

I’m supposed to say I’ll defend to my death your right to free speech. I’m supposed to say that diverse opinions are what makes America great. But when you take an entire Army of soldiers, noncommissioned officers and officers and call them dishonorable, there is no further dialogue. We have reached mutually exclusive terrain that can not be shared. There is nothing I can say that will convince you that even if your point has ANY semblance of validity, you should not say that ALL soldiers and leaders are dishonorable.

Is there dishonor within the ranks? Yes. I will not sit here and lie to you and pretend that we do not have criminals, thieves and cowards wearing our uniform. But you cannot stand there and call us all by these names because a few actually deserve it.

Honor means something to me. Doing the right thing means something to me and it means something to a majority of the men and women I stood next to last week as we honored our fallen brothers and sisters.

Question the policy. Question actions of individuals. Demand that individuals be held responsible for their actions.

But don’t you dare call me or the men and women I serve with dishonorable.
You don’t know the meaning of the word.

Tweet This Post

The Army teaches officers how to deal in expectation management. Don’t tell the brigade commander he’s going to have Time Warner Cable in Iraq. Make sure he knows its going to be like dial up, then he’ll be happy if he gets DSL.

The Army also warns about expectation management when you come home. Don’t come in and take over, it tells Dads coming home to kids they don’t know and a wife who has done it all for the last year. Tell her she’s done a good job and ask where you can help out. Don’t expect the kids to be all over you. They might not want to talk to you or be afraid of you or worse, might not know you.

Except that these expectations deal with the majority of folks in the Army: dads and husbands. There really isn’t a good guide out there on how to deal with the mommy guilt, what to do when your kids says I don’t think you love me or is just plain stubborn because she can be. They don’t tell you what to do when you just want to scream. Actually they do tell you what to do: get pills and get counseling.

But that doesn’t alleviate the mommy guilt that makes me wonder just how good of a parent I am, am I doing the right thing. Do my kids know that I love them, even if I have to take some time for myself? Or do I really need to sacrifice everything that makes me who I am in order for them to be reasonably well adjusted adults.

I made a comment on Twitter this morning about the Virgin Mary screwing me (and all mothers) by raising the bar to impossible heights. I mean, hell, she raised the savior of humanity, I’m just hoping not to raise an ax murderer. (FYI, I am Catholic and I do pray to the Virgin Mary, so I’m hoping She understands, if anyone could, the trials and tribulations of trying to be a good mom). But no one ever pictures the Virgin Mary losing her temper or arguing with Jesus about what to wear to school or would He please eat so He’s not late.

No, instead the ideal of being a good mom, for me, would mean less self doubt. A little more calm. A lot less yelling and a lot more hugs.

And it would have helped if the Army recognized that moms go through a whole lot more when they come home than the dads do. Most Dads have a wife who has held it together for the last year and they get to fit back in. They don’t have to start completely over from scratch with two kids who thought you’ve abandoned them and who feel guilty for loving the grammy who took such awesome care of them.

And the only people who really understand just how challenging this is is another mom. But all of our situations are different. All of the demands we place on ourselves are different. I want my kids to be well fed and well rested and happy. I’d like to start the morning off without screaming and crying and yelling just to make it out the door. I thought those were pretty reasonable expectations.

Guess I need to readjust the bar. Hope the Virgin Mother will help me with that, cause it’s a pretty big struggle right about now.

Tweet This Post