Jessica Scott

Well, its been two weeks since I got an agent based on my nonfiction proposal. What has that last two weeks looked like from the pov of the newly agented?

Nothing.

I’m waiting. I’ve written 2 chapters of the book and revised them and now I’m still. just. waiting.

Waiting on the brigade JAG to review my proposal to see if its within the ethical limits for me to write this book. I couldn’t go to her before I had an agent because I didn’t have a product and would have been discussing purely hypotheticals. And she’s incredibly busy, so I’m by no means complaining about the wait.

Its the suspense that’s killing me.

I’ve read the slides available for book deals and government employees. I’m reasonably certain that if MG Bolger can write a book about infantrymen, I can write a book about military moms. I mean, its not an official policy, its about women in the military. About working moms in the military.

And yet, I sit here, biting my nails because the answer may come back as no. The JAG might paint it as having to do with ‘official duties’. She might say it has to do with policy. There’s a whole raft of things that might get my proposal deemed not in compliance with ethics rules.
I don’t think it violates it. The limited writing that has occurred has only taken place at home, off duty. I’m using my Google-fu to gather my research. It doesn’t deal specifically with Iraq or Afghanistan but how military moms manage to do it all.

The bottom line is that I’m terrified she’s going to say no. You know that feeling when you’re certain you’ve won the lottery only to discover you had the wrong number? That’s what it feels like. I wouldn’t have put the proposal together and written the two chapters if I didn’t think I could ethically sell this book. And I damn sure wouldn’t have sent it out to agents if I didn’t think I could do this. I mean, talk about wasting people’s time.

I really, really feel like this book is within the ethics constraints. But it’s that tiny whisper of doubt that says maybe, just maybe, it’s not that is going to absolutely destroy me if I can’t write it. Or worse, if she says I can write it but can’t accept any compensation for it. I did the PBS blog foregoing the honorarium because it was good exposure and a great experience and a chance to speak for my sisters in arms rather than continue to allow the media to define the discussion about women in the military.

I don’t think I can write an entire book and all that goes into that without compensation. I mean, I’m not doing this for giggles. I want this to be my second career after I get out of the Army. I’m hoping to be able to build a career so that when I retire in 7 years, I can write full time. This is a long haul for me and its something I LOVE to do.

So to be sitting so close to the edge of victory, dangling over the side and seeing defeat is nerve wracking to say the least. I’m scared whitless right now because I’ve got hope, I’ve got an agent and I’ve got a book I know I CAN write.

All I need now is a yes.

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My latest post is up over at PBS POV Regarding War. I’d love to hear what you think.

http://www.pbs.org/pov/regardingwar/conversations/women-and-war/mothers-in-the-military-punishing-mothers-who-serve.php

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The post I wrote first and is turning out to be the most contentious one yet is up over at PBS POV Regarding War.

I encourage you to read the comments and leave one, whether you agree or disagree. I think the whole debate on women and war is fascinating and intriguing, more so because I look at how people outside the military view us who are in today versus how we see ourselves.

Please, stop by and read some of the posts, as well as my piece on sexual assault and military women.

http://www.pbs.org/pov/regardingwar/conversations/women-and-war/sex-and-the-military-woman-female-soldiers-are-not-just-victims.php

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I tend to want to know all I can about a subject and once a subject takes hold, it doesn’t let go. It will haunt my sleep, my dreams. Every conversation becomes about whatever the subject might be.

So I stopped following politics because I was too passionate and could speak about nothing else.
I’ve also stopped following writing industry emails like Publisher’s Marketplace because of my frustration with seeing news that, because of my unpublished status, I could not control. Reading about deals for friends was exciting. Otherwise, reading about deals was simply salt on a wound of something I have not yet accomplished. So I stopped reading to stop second guessing myself.

But writing for PBS POV Regarding War has created a new focus in my brain and I can’t turn it off. Everything I talk about is the other author’s posts. I fall asleep composing posts in my brain (of course, without writing them down, so that when I do start writing, all that is gone). I wake up at night and the drum beat of thoughts and questions and debates fills my head once again.

It’s like being back in Iraq when I would lie awake, unable to shut my brain down. It’s frustrating because there’s nothing I can do to change other’s minds and my experience, backed only by the anecdotal evidence of the women I’ve served with, feels somehow less credible than these women who site studies and reports and interviews. As part of the legal agreement allowing me to participate in this blog, I can’t interview other soldiers and I can’t use any information that is not freely available to the public.

This job is taking up my brain and it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating because I am just a soldier, part of the misogynistic machine that supposedly oppresses every woman other than myself. I am a soldier, part of a military that still requires the ability to fight and win our nations wars with the best soldiers to accomplish the mission.

I can’t turn my brain off about this subject. It’s keeping me awake and driving me to distraction.
And I’m not sure what to do about it.

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