I love romance novels. I love that the sex is always mind-blowing, the woman always comes first and the man is always genuinely concerned with her pleasure, unless of course, he’s overcome with desire and just – to quote Sarah from SBTB.com – pounding away like a poundy thingy. And even then, our stalwart heroine is going to like it.

So I was sitting around, working on a romance novel about a married couple who is trying to find that spark again (Laura & Trent’s book in case you were wondering) and I got to thinking about married sex. The kind of sex that Jeff Foxworthy jokes about when he says I know the combination to my wife’s safe.

So because I’m probably going to use some of this in a book someday (maybe sooner than later if my editor doesn’t kill me first) here’s a list of things that you’ll probably never read in a romance novel.

– she’s kissing her way down his happy trail…only to get some of the happy trail stuck in her teeth

– leg cramps from too much pounding away like a poundy thingy

– who are you and why does my ass hurt

– queefing (I have no idea how to actually spell that and neither does my spellcheck apparently)

– honey, I’m going to come fast

– don’t come yet

– take that out of my ass

– you want to put what where?

– yes, i’ll blow your whistle but have you showered recently? as in today?

– what is that smell?

– what’s that? the cat. it’s staring at us. judging quietly.

– that isn’t your finger is it? nope. Where’s the dog?

– did you take the trash out?

– cat hair on his tongue while he’s going down…there

What are some other things that you’ll never read in a romance novel.