I have the distinct pleasure of bringing the Romance Man onto the site today. He sent me this piece earlier and you can read the post and the rest of his hilarity at The Romance Man. I met the Romance Man as somewhat of a fluke. He said he’d read my book except it was a romance novel. At which point, I pointed out that some very cool people in the special operations world have read it and retained their man card. And the gauntlet was thrown. He started his blog on a dare and it’s growing by leaps and bounds every single day. So here today is the Romance Man’s first ever post on this site. I’m reposting his Fan Fiction Friday post with his permission. Because it’s THAT awesome. Enjoy!
This will be the first in what I hope will be an ongoing piece for this blog. Fan Fiction. I will take a book I have read and take a particular scene and re-write it. Fan Fiction is a grey area some authors like the publicity and some view it as fans stealing their material. I can see both sides so I will never do Fan Fiction without the author’s permission and even then I will change names and the title of the book so that readers do not know what book I am writing about. So all of the character names below have been changed as has the authors name and the name of the book. If you happen to figure it out please don’t tell anyone.
This book was the first romance novel I read and is still one of my favorites. The fake title is “Because of You I Have a Hard On” and it was written by Gessica Skott. In this book there is a scene where the heroine, Jane, has to remove the catheter from the hero Len and he has a hard on. Jane removes the catheter and leaves and Len is left with a hard on for five hours. At this point in the book the two are starting to have feelings for each other. When I reviewed the book I called bullshit on this and I want to re-write the scene to make it more realistic.
“Is this going to hurt?” His words were soft and thick and they slid across Jen’s skin like a fat kid sliding down a slide at a water park. “it’ll probably hurt for a few days”, she said. “Maybe a little burning. But we’ll manage it. Just like we have been” “Okay, so here we go. She pulled back the blanket on his lap preparing to remove the catheter and clean him (which she never does by the way, clean him). Len’s body had other ideas because the brother had a full blown boner. His erection stood between them like a box of Twinkies between a fat man and a weight watchers meeting.
Jane: Okay you, like, have a really big boner and I don’t know what to do.
Len: I know can you just get it over with?
Jane: Okay, it’s really big though…
Len: Please just do it.
Jane: It’s all purple and….
Len: Can you just do it please!
Jane: It’s shaped kinda like a bana…
Len: DO IT!!
Jane pulled the catheter out and left the room leaving him uncovered.
Two hours later Len still has a chubby and Jane has not been back.
“Hey man” Parconti said as he walked in the room. “Holy fuck you have a raging woody dude”
Len: I know man please help me it hurts!
Parconti: What do you want me to do?
Len: Just jerk me off man I won’t say anything I promise.
Parconti: No fuckin’ way brother. I’ll die for you but I ain’t touching your flesh saber.
Len: Come on man I saved your life it’s the least you can do. You don’t have to suck it just jerk it. My arms are broken or I would do it myself.
Parconti: Dude I can’t let me get some help.
Just then Dora, Kent’s wife walked in.
Parconti: Thank God you’re here Dora Len has a huge stiffie and we don’t know what to do.
Dora: OH.MY.GOD. Look at the size of that thing, what happened?
Len: Please help me Dora!
Parconti: We need you to jerk him off.
Just then Micole, Parconti’s wife walked in the room.
Micole: Hey, what’s going…..Holy Fuckin’ Shit what is that?
Dora: Len has a Throbbing Gristle and we don’t know what to do.
Len: Micole please help me!
Dora: Micole will you just suck his dick and give him some relief.
Micole: What? I can’t just suck a one eyed love muscle!
Dora: What’s the big deal you’ve sucked a million meat poles.
Micole: I have not besides my husband is here.
Dora: The guy in Colorado…
Parconto: I don’t mind honey I owe him.
Dora: The guy in Dallas…
Dora: The guy in Nashville, the guy in Orlando, the guy in New York…
Micole: Shut up Dora!
Dora: That time you needed money for coffee…
Carponti: I have an idea. Dora, you and Micole push his hips up and I’ll push his head down and maybe he can suck his own dick.
Dora and Micole: Good idea, let’s try.
They begin pushing.
Dora: Almost there, four more inches.
Len is stretching and sticking out his tongue trying to reach.
Parconti: Fuck it’s not gonna work. Your cock just isn’t big enough.
Just then Jane walks back in.
Jane: Here take four of these and it will take away your beef extension.
Just then the doctor walks in.
Dr: STOP! Don’t give that too him I gave you the wrong bottle!
Len: It’s too late I took them.
Dr: Okay, never mind
The Dr. quickly leaves the room.
“Oh Shit” Jane said as she looked at the bottle.
Jane: It’s Viagra.
Jane: Wait a minute I can’t believe I didn’t think of this. There is a sperm bank across the street those people are professionals with this kind of thing.
Parconti: I’m on my way!
And everyone lived happily ever after.
Seriously, this is a great book and will always be one of my favorites and you should read it. I promise you’ll love it. You can buy it here.