My life had been getting back to normal. I’d escaped over Christmas but very rapidly recaptured due to the sneaky human putting down peanut butter. It’s kryptonite for hamsters. Anyway, I’d gotten back to school and proceeded to ignore the little bastards in my classroom. The human there didn’t talk to me much. So I was free to bulk up.

Little did I know I would soon be back in the hellish prison due to a phenomenon called Spring Break. Spring Break my ass. It’s hell. Not only are there three massive wolf looking creatures, the orange one has all out told me that Hamster is on her bucket list. And she’d old as dirt so I’m thinking my odds aren’t that good.

The problem is, the black eyed devil is no longer the only one interested in me. Now the fluffy grey spawn of Satan has the audacity to sit on my cage and drool on me. I have wood shavings in my cage. This is not good.

Today, the chance to escape presented itself and I seized the moment. The two little humanoids were busy in the kitchen, fighting about applesauce or some such nonsense. Why doesn’t the big one just smother the little on and declare dominance over the whole house? That’s how hamsters do it. Speaking of which, the little interloper who moved in since I was last here, Hammy? She’s the most pussy whipped hamster I’ve ever seen in my life. She’s pathetic. Not even deserving of the name Syrian Battle Hamster.

But back to my escape. They left the wheel to my car open and the started fighting. I took the chance and quickly shimmied down the table and onto the floor and into…

Hell would be too nice a word for it. Immediately the orange one was there, sniffing at me with that damn black nose that was bigger than my ass. Trust me, that’s saying something.

I think I blacked out. I possibly shit myself because there is poo in my fur. But the next thing I know, the orange beast has dropped me and I’m being wrapped in warm, red towel.

I look into the eyes of my savior, only to find myself…back in my cell. I’m not altogether certain what happened. But today, victory was snatched from the jaws of death.

I’m getting to old for this.