One of the things I love about my husband is his ability to make me laugh. Over the years, the cards he’s sent with flowers for our anniversary or my birthday have made me laugh more than anything. They’re sarcastic. They’re crude humor that make me laugh.

He’s the joy in my life but more, he’s the funny. He can make me laugh at damn near any situation. I’ll be talking to him about work and he’ll make a crack about things not to say to an unemployed dick (translation things women should not talk about in front of men on a deployment).

But for our anniversary, no matter what, he always sends something that will make me laugh. So why this year did he decide that he needed to say something sweet? Why did he have to say “I’ll be home soon” instead of something inappropriately funny like normal? Why this year, when I’ve been so busy I can’t even believe half the year is already gone and he’s been deployed for just over six month, does he have to change things up? I like the smart ass comments. I like the jokes. But this year, he decided to change things up on me when I wasn’t expecting it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m impressed as hell that he managed to get me flowers and a card on time for our anniversary. I’m happier, though, that I got to talk to him for a few minutes and I wouldn’t have been mad that I didn’t get to talk to him or if he hadn’t managed to send anything. Hell he just got back off an 18 hour convoy in full kit in 130 degree heat. Not fun. And he still managed to send a card and flowers and make me smile. At least before I started bawling like a baby.

I’ve done good this year. Maybe deployment has become part of my new normal where I’m like crap I just want the year to start so I can get it over with. Maybe I’m used to having him gone, which means keep busy, keep the kids busy so they don’t miss him. Which is kind of sad in and of itself when you really think about it. So I suppose I’m a little over due for some melancholy moments. I wasn’t really even thinking about our anniversary much. I was serious when I said the thing I did to celebrate was go grocery shopping by myself.

I miss him. I can stay as busy as I want but at the end of the day, all it means is I’m too tired to cry and really miss him. But sometimes, like tonight, it all leaks out and I remember that, no, my life isn’t normal without him. My life is just a little less funny, a little too serious. So tonight, as I try to find some way to fall asleep, I’ll just wish that the rest of the year goes by as fast as the first part of it, so I can have my husband home.

Damn but I’m tired of the war.