Something has happened to me and I’m not sure what. It might be that the rejection list is growing. It might be that I wrote a LOT in Iraq and was hoping to have something to show for it, other than rejections (and when I say that, I’m strictly referring to the fiction side of the house. The nonfiction seems to coming along nicely, if accidently:).

I finally finished my revisions on my first paranormal Resurrection and fired it off to my beloved critique partner, Julie, who is squeezing in time to hack it via hard copy.

I wanted to start on the next book. I still need to finish Monster, which is about 10 – 15K from the end. And once more, I find myself, well, stuck. I love the idea behind Monster. I think it might be the first book that I’ve written that doesn’t require a complete do over to get a workable plot. And yet, this is probably the hardest book I’ve ever written. It comes in fits and starts. I jam on it for a few days, then take a month off but the story remains, nagging at the edge of my brain.

So I’m getting there. But then what? I’ve got other books to revise but I’m seriously considering moving beyond everything I wrote in Iraq and starting something new.

But nothing’s coming. I keep getting these great ideas but they’re all just kind of bouncing around with no spark demanding they hit the page. I’m sure I could write them, if I, oh I don’t know, had a contract or something. Or maybe an agent. Yeah, someone to say, this will work, write this.

Cause I’ve written and I’ve written and I’ve written but I don’t have a direction right now. I’m lacking purpose because you see, I’d had a purpose. Then I received a Facebook note that summed up a LOT for me: I’ve no interest to read about war, romance or otherwise.

What if there aren’t a lot of books out there like mine because, well, no one wants to read them? That’s sobering, huh? Kind of takes the wind out of your sales.

But I’m okay with that even. I’m digging into my religion degree and writing my paranormal and I LOVE being able to justify reading Jewish legends and lore as research for a book. But the new book won’t start off. Actually, it started, but fear, that rat bastard is stopping me.

See, I have a problem with plotting. I don’t do it. Funny, when I rewrite a book, it comes together into a decent plot (at least that’s what I keep telling myself), but that first draft? Total shit. In that I don’t even bother sending them out to my critique partner because, well, she’s too busy to waste time reading my first draft shit.

But as I stand on the blank pages of the Dreaded New Novel, I’m afraid. I want to reach a point where I don’t have to write the whole book over. And what if I write this book, then rewrite it and then it still doesn’t sell? On the other hand, maybe that’s just my process. Maybe I need to rewrite the whole book so I can find what the story is really about and I need to take a 100,000 word detour to figure it out. Sure makes writing a synopsis sound a little better, huh?

So I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I’m researching book 2. I’m pretty sure I’ve got my main plot points (in that I know the last sentence, if that counts). And I know what happened between the characters before the book started (at least there’s a rough idea of it fleshed out in my scrivener window). So I’m not sure where this is going but I do know that I need to figure out a way to deal with the Fear of the Blank Page.

I’ll muddle through, I always do. But fearing the blank page? Yeah, not used to that.

And since I’m sharing, here’s the last sentence of this book:

Across the ocean, in a dark house at the edge of a farm, a little boy sneezed.
And Death smiled.