I suppose it’s supposed to be a good time. I guess that for folks coming home to families and pets and a lived in house, it is. But for me, it’s strangely silent and empty. Intellectually, I know it’s because the house is empty and I spent the weekend and early hours of the morning cleaning. Shopping was fun, but in a I need this to feel normal again not in a I really want to go shopping kind of way.
I guess in a way, my heart is kind of like my house. Empty. There is a strange disconnect inside me that I don’t know how to fill. I’m hoping when Scott gets home later today that I’ll feel normal again but right now, I’m not sure. I know that life in Iraq is not real life but that life back here is strange and different, too.
I’m not sure which way is up or down. I know, intellectually, that I’m tired and I’m jet lagged and I’m going through a bunch of emotional changes but none of that helps fill what’s inside me. Or rather, what’s not.
So we’ll see what happens as the hours turn into days. I know that time is incredibly slow. I’ve never had an hour take so long in my life. I’m sitting and reading a great book and the time is simply inching by. The house is clean. I have new makeup.
But it still feels like normal will only return when my house is full of kids and dogs and cats and dust bunnies the size of Chihuahuas. Maybe that is normal.
Maybe that is real life.
Right now, I’m simply not sure.